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rainbowfic2013-03-22 05:57 pm
dark_kana) wrote in rainbowfic2013-03-22 05:57 pm
Bittersweet Saturation - Acanthus 19 - Eraser - Oils - Feathers - Fabric - Glitter - Novelty Beads
Name: Kana
Title: Bittersweet memories
Story: Circle never ends
Characters: Freya, Nick
Colors: Bittersweet – Acanthus 19 Nail
Supplies and Styles: Saturation – Eraser - Oils (sometimes love just isn't enough) - Feathers (It just goes out with an empty fizz, like a cigarette hitting the bottom of a Coke can) - Fabric (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/darkhavens/1437123/303508/303508_original.jpg) - Glitter (Where there’s anger, there is always pain underneath." – Eckhart Tolle) – Novelty Beads (“That is unfairly cute”) - Fingerpainting - Portrait
Word count: 5526
Rating: PG
Warnings:
Summary: Bittersweet memories
Notes: Constructive criticism is, as always, welcome
Working with flashbacks
1. growing apart
"I'm losing you, ain't I?"
He turns to look at her. Surprised. Before shaking his head.
"No. You're not. Of course you are not. Why are you saying that?"
Freya smiles. A sad smile. Only there because she doesn't know how else to react. Her smile is her defence mechanism. It is her answer to everything. She always smiles. Certainly when she wants to cry. Especially when she wants to cry...
She can see his questioning look, urging her to explain. But she just shakes her head before leaning closer to kiss his cheek. Without another word she steps on her bike and cycles away, going home. With no one waiting for her. Nick calls out her name. Once. But doesn't follow her. A part of her is grateful for that. Another part would want nothing more. But she knows. Knows he won't. Will never. And he shouldn't. She's not important. She doesn't matter. Even if he claims she is his best friend. She knows he cannot follow. Will not.
"Yes, I'm losing you. You have a girlfriend. Of course I am losing you. I am losing this. Everything we've done together the past year. You'll never be able to act like that around me anymore. And you know it. Deep down you know it... That's why you don't follow. Why you won't even..."
Desperately she brushes away the tears that are rolling down her cheeks. Luckily she arrives home a mere 5 minutes later. It's silence that greets her. As it has done for the past years. Deafening silence. She drops her sporting bag. It echoes loudly in the hallway, making her flinch. Without bothering to do anything else she goes to the bathroom. Stripping her clothes and stepping under the shower. The water too hot but she doesn't care. She needs this.
The beeping of her cell phone makes her look around. Only for a second. She knows who the message is from. Knows... Shaking her head she sighs softly. Closes her eyes again and decides the world can go to hell today. She's not yet leaving her shower. Not ready yet to face reality once again.
2. memories
Her eyes narrow when she takes in the man who enters her workplace, having ignored all her other colleagues. Recognizing him. Of course. How could she not? He passes by every few months. Always angry. Always yelling. Usually she manages to ignore him. She knows she'll manage to let him race and yell and not be affected by it this time again.
There was one time she really couldn't though. One time she was having a hard time herself. She was feeling sad and lonely and down and actually - if she was honest - completely crushed.
She had to get down from the 4th floor to the reception - the elevator had broken down and a man with crouches needed papers for his own inscription. She has regretted bringing his file back in order ever since that day. But she had no choice.
When she came back upstairs, she was still trembling. The encounter had shaken her up more than she wanted to admit. Of course her colleagues immediately noticed it. Their worried questions almost made her smile. She never told them what happened. Just said there was a man downstairs. Yelling and insulting her and that she had a bad day and just couldn't handle it. They didn't need to worry. They didn't need to know it had affected her so badly. They didn't need to know how weak she felt...
Freya smiles when she remembers what had happened next. She's sure the man can see it. And for a second she sees a flash of surprise cross his eyes. Before he continues his yelling.
It was a simple message she send him. "Why am I not allowed to hit anyone outside of training?"
She got a message back some hours later - he couldn't send earlier because of his classes - when she came back home from training. Asking what had happened. She replied when she stepped out of the shower. "Just a man thinking it's ok to yell and insult a woman and then think she'll be impressed and scared and... F*** For a moment I really thought he was going to attack me."
There never came an answer to that message. But little more than an hour later he was suddenly standing before her door. Worried.
The hug Nick gave her was exactly what she needed.
She can’t suppress a sigh when the man leaves. It’s not because of his yelling. It’s because of the memory. The memory of Nick. Of him caring so much but not enough. And the memory – though sweet as it was – brings back pain. So much pain. Because they still train together. And they are still friends. And she wants so much more, but she can never have it.
3. nostalgia
Every now and then she just goes to sit on the couch in her guestroom. It used to be the couch in her living room. Until she couldn't bear the memories anymore. Too many memories. Too much pain attached to the memories. On a whim she bought a new couch and moved the old one to her guest room. She had to keep it, couldn't dump it, couldn't completely get it out of her life. For part of her would always... Always...
Closing her eyes she leans back, burying her face in the back of the couch. Smelling. If she keeps her eyes closed, and with just a little bit of imagination, she can still smell his deo. Can still smell him.
Sometimes she just needs to sit here. Thinking back. Imagining him there, next to her. Smiling. Laughing. Talking.
There was a time - those two years where he had no girlfriend - that he often spend the evening at her place. Just talking or watching a movie. Staying for dinner or just coming over for a drink. Freya loved these evenings. She cherishes them. Especially the tickle-fights.
Chuckling softly she pulls up her legs underneath her. Her eyes still closed. The tickle-fights were awesome. They were... The smile on her face is pure and yet sad. The fights on her couch always ended in hugs. Long hugs. She never let go of him.
Surprised she opens her eyes when she notices the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Why am I still crying over you? Why does it still hurt? Why do I still... Damn it. After all this time. Why do I still..."
She can't finish the sentence. Even if he'll never hear her. She can't admit it to herself, because she knows it can never be. Will never be. Can't... Has always known. Deep down, she has always known.
4. fond farewell
One of Freya's deepest fears is that Nick will leave her. That he will move away, out of her life. Forever. Not to return. That she'll lose his friendship. That she'll lose him as a training's partner. That he'll be gone.
She told him once. That she was scared he would move away and she would never see or hear him again. He always reassured her he never would. They were good friends. Best friends even. It didn't matter she loved him. He always said so. It didn't change anything between them. It didn't change their friendship.
Until he fell in love again. She was happy. For him. For him she could be happy. Even though her heart was broken once again. Shattered. And once more she was left alone to pick up the pieces. The smile was still there. Always there. Reassuring. Never mind he saw right through it.
There never was a farewell. Of course there was not. They'd still see each other at training. And every now and then they'd go out for a drink. Rarely ever alone. But still.
There was no goodbye. There was another hug. There even was a kiss. And when he turned and walked away, there were tears. He never saw. He might have known.
Freya is sitting on her couch. The new couch. He has never even seen it, hasn't been at her place anymore since he found somebody new. It's not as if she doesn't understand. Of course she does. But part of it still hurts her. Will always hurt her.
The cup of tea warms her hands, makes her stop shivering. A blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Music playing, ringing through her living room. Strange how it can be so comforting...
5. the road not taken
Her punches are without control. And she knows it. Can see it in Nick's eyes. He doesn't say anything about it though. Just keeps on blocking and dodging her attacks. Counters every now and then. But just lets her hit. He doesn't speak, knows well enough what is troubling her. And still he will not do anything about it. Not like he used to...
"Are you okay?"
His hands on her shoulders while she was preparing dinner. It had surprised her he agreed on staying. Not that she minded. She loved his company.
"Sure."
It was a lie. And they both knew it.
"Freya..."
She shook her head. "What do you want me to say? You know I love you. I know you don't love me back."
Rolling her eyes when she saw him getting ready to reply. "I know you don't love me like that. I'm but a friend. Nothing more."
This time it was Nick who shook his head. It earned him a surprised glance.
"You're not just a friend. You know that. You mean much more to me than just a friend. You are my best friend. And you know it..."
She could hear what should have followed. "At least I hoped you knew..."
Turning so she really faced him, she brought up her hand, could see his eyes widen for a second. But she only let her fingers caress his cheek. "I know. But I think you know what I mean as well."
He nodded once and she turned back to the fire, making sure she didn't burn their food.
"It's almost ready."
Without a word Nick took the plates out of the cupboard, laying out the table.
-
"Are you okay?"
Rolling her eyes while shaking her head lightly.
"Stop asking it Nick. Unless you want me all emotional and silent and... We've had enough of these heavy talks the past weeks, not?"
He simply raised his eyebrow and kept on looking at her. It made Freya sigh softly.
"Serious?"
It wasn't a question. Not really and he didn't answer.
"I'm okay Nick. As far as I can be okay."
She had not seen him inch closer and his hand rubbing her leg startled her for a second.
"You are not. Even though you seem to be able to convince everybody else that you are. But I can see through that smile girl. Sometimes I can. Now I can."
There was no need to mention he only could because she let him, because he knew. Around him, she didn't want to pretend.
"There is nothing to be said Nick. Nothing. You know what I want. And we both know what you will not- cannot - give me. It's a simple as that. Really."
Freya took a deep breath before she continued. "I want you to kiss me."
It was the first time she really asked. The first time she really said the words and not asked it subtle and indirect.
“Freya…”
She shook her head but wasn't fast enough to stop him from answering.
“It will hurt you. So much more.”
Closing her eyes, she nodded.
“I know.” A soft whisper. And when she opened her eyes again, there were tears shimmering. She didn't ask again...
"It was a good training."
Freya hums while taking her bike. "Yeah, it was."
She doesn't apologise for fighting with so little control. He doesn't reprimand her. And he certainly doesn't ask. It hurts, for a moment. But she doesn't show it.
"I've got to go. I'm meeting up with some friends this afternoon."
He nods and waves goodbye. She shakes her head when he walks away. It has been long ago since he last hugged her.
6. old photographs
Whistling Freya hits the nails in the wall. After all these years, she finally is going to put the pictures up. She has been planning on doing this for at least two years. And for a reason she can't explain, she never did.
The first one to come up is one of her family, her parents and her sister and herself. A holiday a couple of years ago. The last trip they did together. France.
The next one is one of her and her 2 best friends. Quickly followed by one of the jujitsu gang, one of Susan and her, one of her grandparents.
She takes a look at the photo's still lying on the table, waiting to get their place on the wall.
Hesitation is written all over her face when she sees the picture of her and Nick. She quickly moves to another. Tim... The flash of pain that crosses her face would have worried anyone had they seen it. But she is alone. As always.
The pictures were lying on the table. Criss-cross through one other. Most were happy memories. All were happy memories. Some bittersweet because of things that happened next. Especially one. Tim. Her best friend. And then the accident happened.
Surprised she looked up when she heard her doorbell ring.
"Hello?"
Her voice was shivering, nearly broken, and she hoped it wouldn't be heard through the speaker.
"It's Nick..."
Eyes opening wide while she let him in. Quickly rubbing her eyes to make the tears go away.
"Hey..."
There was a question in her greeting when he entered. One he didn't answer. Without a word, without taking off his coat or his shoes, he hugged her. Of course she answered the embrace. She'd never refuse a hug.
"Are you alright? No, don't answer, I know you are not. But..."
He let go of her, placing his hands on her shoulders. Their eyes locking.
"Want to talk about it?"
She stayed silent. Just looking at him. Before she nodded. Slowly. Once.
Smiling he let her sit down on the couch before he walked over to the kitchen, putting on the kettle and pouring two cups of tea. Handing her one before setting himself next to her.
"How did you know?"
His finger brushed a lock of hair out of her face. "How did you know I was not okay? How did you know I needed someone here?"
"A feeling. And, you didn't answer your cell phone. And your mail. And facebook chat. I just... I know you're going through a difficult time. Part of that because of me. But, I was worried and I thought, perhaps you'd like some company..."
He suddenly sounded insecure. Not sure if he made the right decision to pass by without warning.
"It's much appreciated."
She smiled at him. Sad. But honest. And took a sip of her tea.
"You're part of it, yes. And... Are you sure you want this? I'm no nice company for the moment."
The look he shot her was all the answer she needed.
"The other part is Tim."
She pointed to the picture. Stayed silent while Nick took it from the table, watching it.
"My best friend. As you know. And then he died. As you also know. An accident. The driver who ignored the red traffic light and he who was at the wrong place at the wrong time."
Closing her eyes she recalled what had happened before.
"We had a fight. Before that accident. We never let it last. Except that day. I was still so angry when I got home. And for the life of me, I can't even remember what we were arguing about. I called him late in the afternoon, when I realised he was my best friend and I couldn't let this stupid thing come between us. We made up, both laughing because we acted so stupidly. And then I decided to go over to his house, just three streets away, needing to see him. I saw him halfway, at the other side of the street, on his way to me. The smile on his face when he saw me and when he realised we had been thinking the same thing again... Grateful and happy and, we were okay again. We really were. It didn't matter what had happened or what had been said. There was nothing broken. Nothing lost."
She swallowed and took a deep breath. Feeling Nick's hand rest lightly on hers.
"He crossed the street when the light turned green. His gaze fixed on me, not looking aside. He never saw the car until it was too late. I remember screaming. Sometimes the smell of burned wheels and the sound of them hitting, still wakes me up, crying. I must have crossed the street. Running or walking slowly, I have no idea. But all of a sudden I was at his side. My hands hovering above him, scared to touch him and yet wanting to. I still wake up screaming, when his open eyes watch me in my dreams. Open eyes with no life in them. I still feel so guilty."
Holding up her hand she didn't allow him to react to her last words.
"Don't say it. I know I don't have to feel guilty. Everybody keeps on telling me. But, what if I hadn't left, so angry still. What if I called sooner to make it up. What if..."
She bit her lip.
"I know... What if... But still. Sometimes the guilt is still there."
Shivering she finished her tea, placing the cup on the table. She turned her eyes to him, knowing he didn't mind the tears rolling down her face. She wouldn't voice is, but everything about her asked for it. And he understood it without needing a word.
"Come here."
It took less than a second to hide herself in his arms. Burying her face against his shoulder. His arms around her, fingers caressing her neck and running through her hair.
He held her until the sobs lessened. And even then he just held her.
"I'm sorry." A soft whisper against his body and she felt how he shook his head.
"I am."
She pulled away and he frowned when he looked at her.
"Nick..."
Once more he shook his head. Immediately knowing what she wanted to say. Or ask...
"No. I'm sorry, but I can't."
His fingers graced her cheek and he felt how she leaned into the touch a little.
"It wouldn't be good for you Freya. You know that. If I'd kiss you... It would hurt you even more. And you'd hope even more. And... You're not thinking rationally for the moment..."
She shook her head, felt how his hand fell off her face. "I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I really want it."
Sighing she leaned closer again, wrapping her arms around him and letting her face rest against his chest, hiding once again in his embrace.
The tears are rolling down when she puts up the pictures. Both of them. Tim and Nick. Both gone. Both still there. They have been part of her life. Of happy memories. They were important to her. They are important to her. No matter what.
7. the way things were
Freya yelps when she feels fingers tickle her side. More out of mere surprise than the fact that she can’t stand it…
Turning around she looks into Susan’s worried face.
“You okay? You had that distant look in your eyes.”
“And the fact that you didn’t react upon me calling your name. And the fact that you didn’t hear me approaching…”
She smiles. Reassuringly.
“Yeah, I was just remembering.
Her tone says it all and when she sees the look on Susan’s face, she knows her friends has understood.
“Tim? Or Nick…?”
Smiling sadly Freya shakes her head.
“Why Nick? I still see him two times a week at training…”
It’s what she voices, but she knows what her friend means. Knows it very well because it is true. She misses Nick. And what they used to have. The bond between them. There are so many things she wants back.
Susan’s tickling just now bringing back a lot of fond memories.
“Don’t pretend girl. Not around me.”
Freya can easily hear the hurt in her friend’s voice and a guilty look crosses her face.
“I’m sorry.”
Susan shakes her head and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Don’t worry. Just... Can I help you?”
There is a sad smile of Freya’s lips when she lets her head rest on her friend’s shoulder.
“No. It’s something I have to deal with myself. I just don’t know how to...”
They were sitting on her couch. Just having finished dinner and now enjoying a cup of tea. It was a cold winter evening after all.
Freya was teasing him because he had to get up early the next morning while he didn’t have any classes. He just looked at her. A look she immediately recognised. She’d regret her teasing...
“You’re playing with fire girl...”
It made her laugh. Carefree and happy. She felt good again. After a long while.
“I know.”
She couldn’t get the smile off her face. Still teasing him. Knowing he’d take revenge and not minding one bit.
Leaning forward she placed her now empty mug on the table. Yelling in surprise when his nimble fingers suddenly tickled her sides. Laughing helplessly while he continued to attack her. It wasn’t that she couldn’t stand it. It just depended on the person who touched her like that. And the situation, of course. It would be so boring if she didn’t react to the tickling at all.
Nick merciless continued his assault until she was lying flat on her back on the couch. In her defence, she had dragged him down with her, so he was now lying on his side next to her.
Freya was still giggling, even though he stopped tickling. Only vaguely noticing just how close he was. And how silent.
Smiling she looked up at him. Eyes widening just a little when she saw the look on his face. Her smile faltering. She wanted to say his name. Whisper. But no sound left when she saw him leaning closer. Their eyes locked but she couldn't read the look on his face.
She closed her eyes and almost sighed when his lips touched hers. Finally... Her hands travelled up to his back, her fingers took a grip on his T-shirt. Nearly desperate.
She shivered when his tongue touched hers. Trembled when his hand carefully, lightly, touched her side and her arm.
She almost moaned when he pulled back a little and she arched up to him, following him until their mouths met one other again. One of her hands travelled from his back to his neck, holding him, keeping his lips on hers.
Butterflies roamed through her belly. Electric. Fire. She wanted it to last...
When he finally pulled back - God, how she wanted to follow once more, not let him go, and feel those lips on hers again - she let out a shaky breath.
"I think I should go home now..."
A soft whisper and out of reflex she reached out to him again. Wrapping her arms around him, bringing his body closer to hers. Not to kiss him - though she wouldn't deny she wanted nothing more - but to hold him. Just hold him. Her arms around his back. One of her hands in his neck, caressing and stroking though his hair. She didn't want to let go.
"Was..."
Her voice trembled and he freed himself from her embrace.
"Was this because I asked it?"
He nodded once. "Yeah..."
Nothing more needed to be said. It didn't mean anything to him.
"Freya?"
Pure concern in Susan's voice when she sees the look on her friend's face and the tears in her eyes.
"Sorry. I just... I just..."
Broken voice and she shakes her head.
"I've got to go home."
Without another word, without another glance Freya turns around and walks away to the bus stop. Feeling Susan's eyes on her back. She knows her friend will follow. And soon she hears running feet behind her.
"I know you'll tell me not to bother and to leave you alone. But, I'm coming with you."
A sad, yet grateful smile and a soft whispered "Thank you."
8. missed opportunities
"Did I miss a chance?" The whisper loud in the empty apartment.
she often felt that way. As if she missed so many chances. As if she wasted so much time.
Tim and Nick. Both of them. Loved and lost. Both in a different way. And yet the result is almost the same. the feeling is the same. The pain is... And the emptiness inside.
Every time she saw him after that one kiss...
They were okay. They were still the same. Nothing had changed between them. Not in the way they acted around one other. Still as silly and playful as always. Teasing each other and play fighting. Even the tickle fights were still the same.
Nick asked her once. If he made the right decision. Kissing her that day... She didn’t have an answer. But she knew, without a second doubt, she’d do it all again. Even if she knew before what she knew now after, she’d still ask him to kiss her...
But every time Freya saw him... She wanted more. More kisses. More contact. Definitely more kisses.
She nearly asked him again. To give her a chance. But she didn’t. Knew it wouldn’t be appreciated. Knew he would never agree. And still... Every time she saw him the question beat in her chest, burned on her lips. “Kiss me again? Please. Give me a chance.”
She just wanted his love. Knowing he could not give it to her. Never would. Never could...
Sometimes she was desperate enough to want him to pretend. Sometimes. Luckily never when he was near. When she was desperate she’d have asked him without a second thought...
Almost every day she wished she could turn back time. To correct her mistakes. And to grab hold of all the chances she missed.
9. making a choice
Freya curses when she feels how her knee gives away underneath her. At the other end of the tatami, Nick looks up to her. Worried.
She falls down. Her hand at her knee. Biting her lip to hold back the tears of anger and disappointment and pain. He’s by her side a split second later.
“Freya...”
The concern obvious in his voice. For a moment it surprises her. Until she realises... It’s still Nick. She’s careful not to show it though.
Another curse when a flash of pain flares through her body when she tries to move. Her hand lashing out, fist hitting the mat with full force.
He helps her up, carefully, letting her lean on him.
“I’m getting tired of this.”
Nick turned his head, looking at her. She was sitting on the windowsill. He was standing right next to her. Watching sensei explain an exercise.
His hand gently rubbed her leg. “I know.”
A soft sigh escaped her. She felt like crying, though she would never show it. Yet another injury. Number six in the past year. First her shoulder. Then her knee. A sprained thumb. Her other shoulder. Her wrist. And now her ankle. It didn’t seem to stop. One injury after the other. She was sitting more at the sideline than actually training the past months. And it got her frustrated like hell. She wanted to kick and punch and just beat the hell out of life itself.
“What if I’ll stop? No more sport. No more injuries... Perhaps I’ll go play chess...”
They both knew she was joking. Quitting might have solved the injury-problem. But it would never have made her happy.
She never admitted that she was only half joking.
There are tears when she hears the doctor’s verdict. Two month. At least. Two months no sport. Preferably longer. Preferably...
Freya shakes her head. Not wanting to hear it. She balls her hands to fists, nails digging in flesh.
“It’s not fair.”
The doctor just nods. Knowing what this means to her. Knowing just how hard this blow hits home.
She walks out, her mother by her side, leaning on the crutches.
“Is it over? I’m not even 30. Can I really not do anything of sport anymore? Not without an injury every couple of weeks?”
Her mother gives no answer. Instead she wraps her arms around her daughter. Holding her. Just holding her. While Freya cries softly. She still hears the doctor’s words.
“It’s just my advice. But. Perhaps you should just stop. I don’t think your body can handle this much longer.”
It’s only one their way home, her mother driving the car, that she speaks again.
“No more sport. No more training. No more...”
A soft whisper. It makes her mother look at her for a second. Worried.
“No more fighting.”
Freya sighs deeply. “No more Nick.” Because she knows he will never be the one to keep contact. Not now. Not anymore...
“Perhaps it is for the best.”
Her mother’s comforting hand rests on her uninjured knee. “You don’t have to decide now. Not right away. Don’t take this decision when you are so emotional and in pain. Think about it. Calmly. Talk about it, with us, your friends, the guys of ju-jitsu. And then decide.”
She nods. Knowing her mother is right and yet... The decision will always be taken when she is emotional and in pain, because a huge part of it has to do with Nick. Of course she loves the sport, she loves the fighting. But... It’s not only fighting anymore. It’s the only chance of being near Nick. The only one. Stopping would mean losing her sport. No more fighting. And that would hurt. Terribly much. But it would also mean no more Nick. And that... She’s sure it would shatter her heart and crush her completely...
10. endings and beginnings
She looks around. New faces. Perhaps new friends. She'll have to wait and see. She'll be careful with her heart though. Having learned her lesson. Painfully...
An almost sigh escapes her when she stands up.
"Hi. I'm Freya and I'm 25. I have a normal 9 to 5 job and I used to do lots of sport which I can't do any more because of injuries. And now I'm here and I'm looking very much forward to working with you guys."
They all nod their greetings when she sets herself down again.
"Welcome Freya. May we ask why you want to do this volunteering?"
For a second she narrows her eyes. Wondering.
"I... Can't really explain it. There are... Lots of reasons. One more personal than the other. But, the main reason, I guess, is because I think I can really help. That I can be useful. And I just want to do something with my life."
All the faces around her smile when they hear her explanation. Understanding perfectly well.
"Welcome Freya."
It's the second time they say it. But she can hear it. They mean it this time. Mean it at a different and deeper level. Appreciating the fact she took her time before answering. Appreciating her being so honest and not giving them a standard rehearsed answer. She has been tested. And approved.
"You'll fit in perfectly."
She was standing in the middle of the dojo, on the tatami, barefoot. Needing to feel the mats one last time. Needing to take in the typical smell she has been used to for so many years. Twenty years. She's done ju-jitsu for 20 years...
Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes. Brought up a hand to brush away tears.
Looking around, before she walked towards the entrance. Her hands balled to fists. The knowledge of never coming here again, of never setting a foot on the tatami, hurt. It had been a part of her life. A huge part. She had laughed and cried here. Loved and even bled. She had found friends here. People who appreciated her for who she was. And she was about to leave it all behind.
The door in her hand, one last look. And she couldn't hold back the tears that rolled down her cheeks.
"Goodbye."
There was no one near anymore. Training had ended more than an hour ago.
"Goodbye Nick..."
It was the softest of whispers. It was enough...
"Freya!"
She smiles when she hears one of the other volunteers call her name cheerfully. Smiles when she sees her wave enthusiastically.
She can do this. She can start again. She can...
Title: Bittersweet memories
Story: Circle never ends
Characters: Freya, Nick
Colors: Bittersweet – Acanthus 19 Nail
Supplies and Styles: Saturation – Eraser - Oils (sometimes love just isn't enough) - Feathers (It just goes out with an empty fizz, like a cigarette hitting the bottom of a Coke can) - Fabric (http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/darkhavens/1437123/303508/303508_original.jpg) - Glitter (Where there’s anger, there is always pain underneath." – Eckhart Tolle) – Novelty Beads (“That is unfairly cute”) - Fingerpainting - Portrait
Word count: 5526
Rating: PG
Warnings:
Summary: Bittersweet memories
Notes: Constructive criticism is, as always, welcome
Working with flashbacks
1. growing apart
"I'm losing you, ain't I?"
He turns to look at her. Surprised. Before shaking his head.
"No. You're not. Of course you are not. Why are you saying that?"
Freya smiles. A sad smile. Only there because she doesn't know how else to react. Her smile is her defence mechanism. It is her answer to everything. She always smiles. Certainly when she wants to cry. Especially when she wants to cry...
She can see his questioning look, urging her to explain. But she just shakes her head before leaning closer to kiss his cheek. Without another word she steps on her bike and cycles away, going home. With no one waiting for her. Nick calls out her name. Once. But doesn't follow her. A part of her is grateful for that. Another part would want nothing more. But she knows. Knows he won't. Will never. And he shouldn't. She's not important. She doesn't matter. Even if he claims she is his best friend. She knows he cannot follow. Will not.
"Yes, I'm losing you. You have a girlfriend. Of course I am losing you. I am losing this. Everything we've done together the past year. You'll never be able to act like that around me anymore. And you know it. Deep down you know it... That's why you don't follow. Why you won't even..."
Desperately she brushes away the tears that are rolling down her cheeks. Luckily she arrives home a mere 5 minutes later. It's silence that greets her. As it has done for the past years. Deafening silence. She drops her sporting bag. It echoes loudly in the hallway, making her flinch. Without bothering to do anything else she goes to the bathroom. Stripping her clothes and stepping under the shower. The water too hot but she doesn't care. She needs this.
The beeping of her cell phone makes her look around. Only for a second. She knows who the message is from. Knows... Shaking her head she sighs softly. Closes her eyes again and decides the world can go to hell today. She's not yet leaving her shower. Not ready yet to face reality once again.
2. memories
Her eyes narrow when she takes in the man who enters her workplace, having ignored all her other colleagues. Recognizing him. Of course. How could she not? He passes by every few months. Always angry. Always yelling. Usually she manages to ignore him. She knows she'll manage to let him race and yell and not be affected by it this time again.
There was one time she really couldn't though. One time she was having a hard time herself. She was feeling sad and lonely and down and actually - if she was honest - completely crushed.
She had to get down from the 4th floor to the reception - the elevator had broken down and a man with crouches needed papers for his own inscription. She has regretted bringing his file back in order ever since that day. But she had no choice.
When she came back upstairs, she was still trembling. The encounter had shaken her up more than she wanted to admit. Of course her colleagues immediately noticed it. Their worried questions almost made her smile. She never told them what happened. Just said there was a man downstairs. Yelling and insulting her and that she had a bad day and just couldn't handle it. They didn't need to worry. They didn't need to know it had affected her so badly. They didn't need to know how weak she felt...
Freya smiles when she remembers what had happened next. She's sure the man can see it. And for a second she sees a flash of surprise cross his eyes. Before he continues his yelling.
It was a simple message she send him. "Why am I not allowed to hit anyone outside of training?"
She got a message back some hours later - he couldn't send earlier because of his classes - when she came back home from training. Asking what had happened. She replied when she stepped out of the shower. "Just a man thinking it's ok to yell and insult a woman and then think she'll be impressed and scared and... F*** For a moment I really thought he was going to attack me."
There never came an answer to that message. But little more than an hour later he was suddenly standing before her door. Worried.
The hug Nick gave her was exactly what she needed.
She can’t suppress a sigh when the man leaves. It’s not because of his yelling. It’s because of the memory. The memory of Nick. Of him caring so much but not enough. And the memory – though sweet as it was – brings back pain. So much pain. Because they still train together. And they are still friends. And she wants so much more, but she can never have it.
3. nostalgia
Every now and then she just goes to sit on the couch in her guestroom. It used to be the couch in her living room. Until she couldn't bear the memories anymore. Too many memories. Too much pain attached to the memories. On a whim she bought a new couch and moved the old one to her guest room. She had to keep it, couldn't dump it, couldn't completely get it out of her life. For part of her would always... Always...
Closing her eyes she leans back, burying her face in the back of the couch. Smelling. If she keeps her eyes closed, and with just a little bit of imagination, she can still smell his deo. Can still smell him.
Sometimes she just needs to sit here. Thinking back. Imagining him there, next to her. Smiling. Laughing. Talking.
There was a time - those two years where he had no girlfriend - that he often spend the evening at her place. Just talking or watching a movie. Staying for dinner or just coming over for a drink. Freya loved these evenings. She cherishes them. Especially the tickle-fights.
Chuckling softly she pulls up her legs underneath her. Her eyes still closed. The tickle-fights were awesome. They were... The smile on her face is pure and yet sad. The fights on her couch always ended in hugs. Long hugs. She never let go of him.
Surprised she opens her eyes when she notices the tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Why am I still crying over you? Why does it still hurt? Why do I still... Damn it. After all this time. Why do I still..."
She can't finish the sentence. Even if he'll never hear her. She can't admit it to herself, because she knows it can never be. Will never be. Can't... Has always known. Deep down, she has always known.
4. fond farewell
One of Freya's deepest fears is that Nick will leave her. That he will move away, out of her life. Forever. Not to return. That she'll lose his friendship. That she'll lose him as a training's partner. That he'll be gone.
She told him once. That she was scared he would move away and she would never see or hear him again. He always reassured her he never would. They were good friends. Best friends even. It didn't matter she loved him. He always said so. It didn't change anything between them. It didn't change their friendship.
Until he fell in love again. She was happy. For him. For him she could be happy. Even though her heart was broken once again. Shattered. And once more she was left alone to pick up the pieces. The smile was still there. Always there. Reassuring. Never mind he saw right through it.
There never was a farewell. Of course there was not. They'd still see each other at training. And every now and then they'd go out for a drink. Rarely ever alone. But still.
There was no goodbye. There was another hug. There even was a kiss. And when he turned and walked away, there were tears. He never saw. He might have known.
Freya is sitting on her couch. The new couch. He has never even seen it, hasn't been at her place anymore since he found somebody new. It's not as if she doesn't understand. Of course she does. But part of it still hurts her. Will always hurt her.
The cup of tea warms her hands, makes her stop shivering. A blanket wrapped around her shoulders. Music playing, ringing through her living room. Strange how it can be so comforting...
5. the road not taken
Her punches are without control. And she knows it. Can see it in Nick's eyes. He doesn't say anything about it though. Just keeps on blocking and dodging her attacks. Counters every now and then. But just lets her hit. He doesn't speak, knows well enough what is troubling her. And still he will not do anything about it. Not like he used to...
"Are you okay?"
His hands on her shoulders while she was preparing dinner. It had surprised her he agreed on staying. Not that she minded. She loved his company.
"Sure."
It was a lie. And they both knew it.
"Freya..."
She shook her head. "What do you want me to say? You know I love you. I know you don't love me back."
Rolling her eyes when she saw him getting ready to reply. "I know you don't love me like that. I'm but a friend. Nothing more."
This time it was Nick who shook his head. It earned him a surprised glance.
"You're not just a friend. You know that. You mean much more to me than just a friend. You are my best friend. And you know it..."
She could hear what should have followed. "At least I hoped you knew..."
Turning so she really faced him, she brought up her hand, could see his eyes widen for a second. But she only let her fingers caress his cheek. "I know. But I think you know what I mean as well."
He nodded once and she turned back to the fire, making sure she didn't burn their food.
"It's almost ready."
Without a word Nick took the plates out of the cupboard, laying out the table.
-
"Are you okay?"
Rolling her eyes while shaking her head lightly.
"Stop asking it Nick. Unless you want me all emotional and silent and... We've had enough of these heavy talks the past weeks, not?"
He simply raised his eyebrow and kept on looking at her. It made Freya sigh softly.
"Serious?"
It wasn't a question. Not really and he didn't answer.
"I'm okay Nick. As far as I can be okay."
She had not seen him inch closer and his hand rubbing her leg startled her for a second.
"You are not. Even though you seem to be able to convince everybody else that you are. But I can see through that smile girl. Sometimes I can. Now I can."
There was no need to mention he only could because she let him, because he knew. Around him, she didn't want to pretend.
"There is nothing to be said Nick. Nothing. You know what I want. And we both know what you will not- cannot - give me. It's a simple as that. Really."
Freya took a deep breath before she continued. "I want you to kiss me."
It was the first time she really asked. The first time she really said the words and not asked it subtle and indirect.
“Freya…”
She shook her head but wasn't fast enough to stop him from answering.
“It will hurt you. So much more.”
Closing her eyes, she nodded.
“I know.” A soft whisper. And when she opened her eyes again, there were tears shimmering. She didn't ask again...
"It was a good training."
Freya hums while taking her bike. "Yeah, it was."
She doesn't apologise for fighting with so little control. He doesn't reprimand her. And he certainly doesn't ask. It hurts, for a moment. But she doesn't show it.
"I've got to go. I'm meeting up with some friends this afternoon."
He nods and waves goodbye. She shakes her head when he walks away. It has been long ago since he last hugged her.
6. old photographs
Whistling Freya hits the nails in the wall. After all these years, she finally is going to put the pictures up. She has been planning on doing this for at least two years. And for a reason she can't explain, she never did.
The first one to come up is one of her family, her parents and her sister and herself. A holiday a couple of years ago. The last trip they did together. France.
The next one is one of her and her 2 best friends. Quickly followed by one of the jujitsu gang, one of Susan and her, one of her grandparents.
She takes a look at the photo's still lying on the table, waiting to get their place on the wall.
Hesitation is written all over her face when she sees the picture of her and Nick. She quickly moves to another. Tim... The flash of pain that crosses her face would have worried anyone had they seen it. But she is alone. As always.
The pictures were lying on the table. Criss-cross through one other. Most were happy memories. All were happy memories. Some bittersweet because of things that happened next. Especially one. Tim. Her best friend. And then the accident happened.
Surprised she looked up when she heard her doorbell ring.
"Hello?"
Her voice was shivering, nearly broken, and she hoped it wouldn't be heard through the speaker.
"It's Nick..."
Eyes opening wide while she let him in. Quickly rubbing her eyes to make the tears go away.
"Hey..."
There was a question in her greeting when he entered. One he didn't answer. Without a word, without taking off his coat or his shoes, he hugged her. Of course she answered the embrace. She'd never refuse a hug.
"Are you alright? No, don't answer, I know you are not. But..."
He let go of her, placing his hands on her shoulders. Their eyes locking.
"Want to talk about it?"
She stayed silent. Just looking at him. Before she nodded. Slowly. Once.
Smiling he let her sit down on the couch before he walked over to the kitchen, putting on the kettle and pouring two cups of tea. Handing her one before setting himself next to her.
"How did you know?"
His finger brushed a lock of hair out of her face. "How did you know I was not okay? How did you know I needed someone here?"
"A feeling. And, you didn't answer your cell phone. And your mail. And facebook chat. I just... I know you're going through a difficult time. Part of that because of me. But, I was worried and I thought, perhaps you'd like some company..."
He suddenly sounded insecure. Not sure if he made the right decision to pass by without warning.
"It's much appreciated."
She smiled at him. Sad. But honest. And took a sip of her tea.
"You're part of it, yes. And... Are you sure you want this? I'm no nice company for the moment."
The look he shot her was all the answer she needed.
"The other part is Tim."
She pointed to the picture. Stayed silent while Nick took it from the table, watching it.
"My best friend. As you know. And then he died. As you also know. An accident. The driver who ignored the red traffic light and he who was at the wrong place at the wrong time."
Closing her eyes she recalled what had happened before.
"We had a fight. Before that accident. We never let it last. Except that day. I was still so angry when I got home. And for the life of me, I can't even remember what we were arguing about. I called him late in the afternoon, when I realised he was my best friend and I couldn't let this stupid thing come between us. We made up, both laughing because we acted so stupidly. And then I decided to go over to his house, just three streets away, needing to see him. I saw him halfway, at the other side of the street, on his way to me. The smile on his face when he saw me and when he realised we had been thinking the same thing again... Grateful and happy and, we were okay again. We really were. It didn't matter what had happened or what had been said. There was nothing broken. Nothing lost."
She swallowed and took a deep breath. Feeling Nick's hand rest lightly on hers.
"He crossed the street when the light turned green. His gaze fixed on me, not looking aside. He never saw the car until it was too late. I remember screaming. Sometimes the smell of burned wheels and the sound of them hitting, still wakes me up, crying. I must have crossed the street. Running or walking slowly, I have no idea. But all of a sudden I was at his side. My hands hovering above him, scared to touch him and yet wanting to. I still wake up screaming, when his open eyes watch me in my dreams. Open eyes with no life in them. I still feel so guilty."
Holding up her hand she didn't allow him to react to her last words.
"Don't say it. I know I don't have to feel guilty. Everybody keeps on telling me. But, what if I hadn't left, so angry still. What if I called sooner to make it up. What if..."
She bit her lip.
"I know... What if... But still. Sometimes the guilt is still there."
Shivering she finished her tea, placing the cup on the table. She turned her eyes to him, knowing he didn't mind the tears rolling down her face. She wouldn't voice is, but everything about her asked for it. And he understood it without needing a word.
"Come here."
It took less than a second to hide herself in his arms. Burying her face against his shoulder. His arms around her, fingers caressing her neck and running through her hair.
He held her until the sobs lessened. And even then he just held her.
"I'm sorry." A soft whisper against his body and she felt how he shook his head.
"I am."
She pulled away and he frowned when he looked at her.
"Nick..."
Once more he shook his head. Immediately knowing what she wanted to say. Or ask...
"No. I'm sorry, but I can't."
His fingers graced her cheek and he felt how she leaned into the touch a little.
"It wouldn't be good for you Freya. You know that. If I'd kiss you... It would hurt you even more. And you'd hope even more. And... You're not thinking rationally for the moment..."
She shook her head, felt how his hand fell off her face. "I know. But that doesn't change the fact that I really want it."
Sighing she leaned closer again, wrapping her arms around him and letting her face rest against his chest, hiding once again in his embrace.
The tears are rolling down when she puts up the pictures. Both of them. Tim and Nick. Both gone. Both still there. They have been part of her life. Of happy memories. They were important to her. They are important to her. No matter what.
7. the way things were
Freya yelps when she feels fingers tickle her side. More out of mere surprise than the fact that she can’t stand it…
Turning around she looks into Susan’s worried face.
“You okay? You had that distant look in your eyes.”
“And the fact that you didn’t react upon me calling your name. And the fact that you didn’t hear me approaching…”
She smiles. Reassuringly.
“Yeah, I was just remembering.
Her tone says it all and when she sees the look on Susan’s face, she knows her friends has understood.
“Tim? Or Nick…?”
Smiling sadly Freya shakes her head.
“Why Nick? I still see him two times a week at training…”
It’s what she voices, but she knows what her friend means. Knows it very well because it is true. She misses Nick. And what they used to have. The bond between them. There are so many things she wants back.
Susan’s tickling just now bringing back a lot of fond memories.
“Don’t pretend girl. Not around me.”
Freya can easily hear the hurt in her friend’s voice and a guilty look crosses her face.
“I’m sorry.”
Susan shakes her head and wraps an arm around her shoulders. “Don’t worry. Just... Can I help you?”
There is a sad smile of Freya’s lips when she lets her head rest on her friend’s shoulder.
“No. It’s something I have to deal with myself. I just don’t know how to...”
They were sitting on her couch. Just having finished dinner and now enjoying a cup of tea. It was a cold winter evening after all.
Freya was teasing him because he had to get up early the next morning while he didn’t have any classes. He just looked at her. A look she immediately recognised. She’d regret her teasing...
“You’re playing with fire girl...”
It made her laugh. Carefree and happy. She felt good again. After a long while.
“I know.”
She couldn’t get the smile off her face. Still teasing him. Knowing he’d take revenge and not minding one bit.
Leaning forward she placed her now empty mug on the table. Yelling in surprise when his nimble fingers suddenly tickled her sides. Laughing helplessly while he continued to attack her. It wasn’t that she couldn’t stand it. It just depended on the person who touched her like that. And the situation, of course. It would be so boring if she didn’t react to the tickling at all.
Nick merciless continued his assault until she was lying flat on her back on the couch. In her defence, she had dragged him down with her, so he was now lying on his side next to her.
Freya was still giggling, even though he stopped tickling. Only vaguely noticing just how close he was. And how silent.
Smiling she looked up at him. Eyes widening just a little when she saw the look on his face. Her smile faltering. She wanted to say his name. Whisper. But no sound left when she saw him leaning closer. Their eyes locked but she couldn't read the look on his face.
She closed her eyes and almost sighed when his lips touched hers. Finally... Her hands travelled up to his back, her fingers took a grip on his T-shirt. Nearly desperate.
She shivered when his tongue touched hers. Trembled when his hand carefully, lightly, touched her side and her arm.
She almost moaned when he pulled back a little and she arched up to him, following him until their mouths met one other again. One of her hands travelled from his back to his neck, holding him, keeping his lips on hers.
Butterflies roamed through her belly. Electric. Fire. She wanted it to last...
When he finally pulled back - God, how she wanted to follow once more, not let him go, and feel those lips on hers again - she let out a shaky breath.
"I think I should go home now..."
A soft whisper and out of reflex she reached out to him again. Wrapping her arms around him, bringing his body closer to hers. Not to kiss him - though she wouldn't deny she wanted nothing more - but to hold him. Just hold him. Her arms around his back. One of her hands in his neck, caressing and stroking though his hair. She didn't want to let go.
"Was..."
Her voice trembled and he freed himself from her embrace.
"Was this because I asked it?"
He nodded once. "Yeah..."
Nothing more needed to be said. It didn't mean anything to him.
"Freya?"
Pure concern in Susan's voice when she sees the look on her friend's face and the tears in her eyes.
"Sorry. I just... I just..."
Broken voice and she shakes her head.
"I've got to go home."
Without another word, without another glance Freya turns around and walks away to the bus stop. Feeling Susan's eyes on her back. She knows her friend will follow. And soon she hears running feet behind her.
"I know you'll tell me not to bother and to leave you alone. But, I'm coming with you."
A sad, yet grateful smile and a soft whispered "Thank you."
8. missed opportunities
"Did I miss a chance?" The whisper loud in the empty apartment.
she often felt that way. As if she missed so many chances. As if she wasted so much time.
Tim and Nick. Both of them. Loved and lost. Both in a different way. And yet the result is almost the same. the feeling is the same. The pain is... And the emptiness inside.
Every time she saw him after that one kiss...
They were okay. They were still the same. Nothing had changed between them. Not in the way they acted around one other. Still as silly and playful as always. Teasing each other and play fighting. Even the tickle fights were still the same.
Nick asked her once. If he made the right decision. Kissing her that day... She didn’t have an answer. But she knew, without a second doubt, she’d do it all again. Even if she knew before what she knew now after, she’d still ask him to kiss her...
But every time Freya saw him... She wanted more. More kisses. More contact. Definitely more kisses.
She nearly asked him again. To give her a chance. But she didn’t. Knew it wouldn’t be appreciated. Knew he would never agree. And still... Every time she saw him the question beat in her chest, burned on her lips. “Kiss me again? Please. Give me a chance.”
She just wanted his love. Knowing he could not give it to her. Never would. Never could...
Sometimes she was desperate enough to want him to pretend. Sometimes. Luckily never when he was near. When she was desperate she’d have asked him without a second thought...
Almost every day she wished she could turn back time. To correct her mistakes. And to grab hold of all the chances she missed.
9. making a choice
Freya curses when she feels how her knee gives away underneath her. At the other end of the tatami, Nick looks up to her. Worried.
She falls down. Her hand at her knee. Biting her lip to hold back the tears of anger and disappointment and pain. He’s by her side a split second later.
“Freya...”
The concern obvious in his voice. For a moment it surprises her. Until she realises... It’s still Nick. She’s careful not to show it though.
Another curse when a flash of pain flares through her body when she tries to move. Her hand lashing out, fist hitting the mat with full force.
He helps her up, carefully, letting her lean on him.
“I’m getting tired of this.”
Nick turned his head, looking at her. She was sitting on the windowsill. He was standing right next to her. Watching sensei explain an exercise.
His hand gently rubbed her leg. “I know.”
A soft sigh escaped her. She felt like crying, though she would never show it. Yet another injury. Number six in the past year. First her shoulder. Then her knee. A sprained thumb. Her other shoulder. Her wrist. And now her ankle. It didn’t seem to stop. One injury after the other. She was sitting more at the sideline than actually training the past months. And it got her frustrated like hell. She wanted to kick and punch and just beat the hell out of life itself.
“What if I’ll stop? No more sport. No more injuries... Perhaps I’ll go play chess...”
They both knew she was joking. Quitting might have solved the injury-problem. But it would never have made her happy.
She never admitted that she was only half joking.
There are tears when she hears the doctor’s verdict. Two month. At least. Two months no sport. Preferably longer. Preferably...
Freya shakes her head. Not wanting to hear it. She balls her hands to fists, nails digging in flesh.
“It’s not fair.”
The doctor just nods. Knowing what this means to her. Knowing just how hard this blow hits home.
She walks out, her mother by her side, leaning on the crutches.
“Is it over? I’m not even 30. Can I really not do anything of sport anymore? Not without an injury every couple of weeks?”
Her mother gives no answer. Instead she wraps her arms around her daughter. Holding her. Just holding her. While Freya cries softly. She still hears the doctor’s words.
“It’s just my advice. But. Perhaps you should just stop. I don’t think your body can handle this much longer.”
It’s only one their way home, her mother driving the car, that she speaks again.
“No more sport. No more training. No more...”
A soft whisper. It makes her mother look at her for a second. Worried.
“No more fighting.”
Freya sighs deeply. “No more Nick.” Because she knows he will never be the one to keep contact. Not now. Not anymore...
“Perhaps it is for the best.”
Her mother’s comforting hand rests on her uninjured knee. “You don’t have to decide now. Not right away. Don’t take this decision when you are so emotional and in pain. Think about it. Calmly. Talk about it, with us, your friends, the guys of ju-jitsu. And then decide.”
She nods. Knowing her mother is right and yet... The decision will always be taken when she is emotional and in pain, because a huge part of it has to do with Nick. Of course she loves the sport, she loves the fighting. But... It’s not only fighting anymore. It’s the only chance of being near Nick. The only one. Stopping would mean losing her sport. No more fighting. And that would hurt. Terribly much. But it would also mean no more Nick. And that... She’s sure it would shatter her heart and crush her completely...
10. endings and beginnings
She looks around. New faces. Perhaps new friends. She'll have to wait and see. She'll be careful with her heart though. Having learned her lesson. Painfully...
An almost sigh escapes her when she stands up.
"Hi. I'm Freya and I'm 25. I have a normal 9 to 5 job and I used to do lots of sport which I can't do any more because of injuries. And now I'm here and I'm looking very much forward to working with you guys."
They all nod their greetings when she sets herself down again.
"Welcome Freya. May we ask why you want to do this volunteering?"
For a second she narrows her eyes. Wondering.
"I... Can't really explain it. There are... Lots of reasons. One more personal than the other. But, the main reason, I guess, is because I think I can really help. That I can be useful. And I just want to do something with my life."
All the faces around her smile when they hear her explanation. Understanding perfectly well.
"Welcome Freya."
It's the second time they say it. But she can hear it. They mean it this time. Mean it at a different and deeper level. Appreciating the fact she took her time before answering. Appreciating her being so honest and not giving them a standard rehearsed answer. She has been tested. And approved.
"You'll fit in perfectly."
She was standing in the middle of the dojo, on the tatami, barefoot. Needing to feel the mats one last time. Needing to take in the typical smell she has been used to for so many years. Twenty years. She's done ju-jitsu for 20 years...
Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes. Brought up a hand to brush away tears.
Looking around, before she walked towards the entrance. Her hands balled to fists. The knowledge of never coming here again, of never setting a foot on the tatami, hurt. It had been a part of her life. A huge part. She had laughed and cried here. Loved and even bled. She had found friends here. People who appreciated her for who she was. And she was about to leave it all behind.
The door in her hand, one last look. And she couldn't hold back the tears that rolled down her cheeks.
"Goodbye."
There was no one near anymore. Training had ended more than an hour ago.
"Goodbye Nick..."
It was the softest of whispers. It was enough...
"Freya!"
She smiles when she hears one of the other volunteers call her name cheerfully. Smiles when she sees her wave enthusiastically.
She can do this. She can start again. She can...
no subject
Just...
Ouch.
I do like that little flicker of light at the end though.
no subject
Well, I was in an increadilbly sad and angsty mood when I was writing this. And the prompts kinda asked for it.
She needed some hope at the end. I couldn't just leave her so sad and broken...