Geena (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
geena) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
rainbowfic2012-01-22 03:15 am
geena) wrote in rainbowfic2012-01-22 03:15 am
Entry tags:
Emerald Green
Author: geena
Color: Emerald Green
Supplies and Styles: Eraser, saturation
Rating: R (for language and brief sexual situations)
Word Count: 3,658
Story: Polyfaceted (Index~Timeline); the title of this story is D'Amore.
Summary: Every love story has a beginning.
Notes: This is a complete and total AU that takes place in 1992-1994. In canon, Johnny spend most of his life in love with his straight best friend, Matt. This is the AU where Matt is far less straight, and far more in love with Johnny.
***
15. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
It starts with the dreams.
It’s the standard fare at first-- a surprise exam, a hallway full of locked doors, MaryAnne Birchmen pouting and offering to take off her bra, the usual stuff. But then, without warning, everything changes and he’s suddenly in St. Joseph’s locker room, trapped between the shower wall and Johnny’s solid frame. Sometimes they kiss (or more) and sometimes they just stare at one another, intensity burning just beneath the surface. Either way, it’s always Johnny, Johnny surrounding him, Johnny touching him, Johnny consuming him.
It’s become a regular occurrence for Matt to wake up hard, full of a sense of longing he doesn’t understand.
His first thoughts are always of Johnny.
***
3. If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.
They’ve been best friends for years, since the first day of kindergarten. They’ve shared everything, up to and including the fact that Johnny’s gay and half in love with Matt. It’s never been a problem between them, despite Matt’s obvious heterosexuality-- in fact, they’ve spent countless hours joking and flirting, avoiding this thing between them. If they can laugh about it, it’s not that big of a deal, right?
Except, suddenly, it is.
“I’m just sayin',” Johnny continues one afternoon, the two of them cooling down after a game of one-on-one in the park, “he was ridiculously pretty.”
“Uh-huh.” Matt leans back against the bench, pinching his eyes shut. “That’s nice.”
“No, I don’ think you’re understandin' the severity of his pretty. An' he, like, pursed his lips while he talked, like he was already imaginin' how great it’d be ta suck me off or somethin'.” There’s a faraway look in Johnny’s eyes, a grin on his face. “Was damn great at it too. Better ass'n his mouth, though, ‘n’ that’s sayin’ a lot.”
There’s a buzzing in Matt’s head, a twitchy feeling just beneath the surface. Jumping to his feet, he grabs his duffel bag, muttering, “Yeah, I get it.”
Johnny glances over, his brow furrowed. “Well, I didn’ say he had a better ass'n ya.” He chances a smile and reaches a hand out. “Hey, what’s--”
“You know,” Matt snaps, unable to contain himself, “maybe I don’t want to hear all about your dates. And any time you want to stop hitting on me, that’d be great.”
“What? Matt, the hell--”
“Save it.” He turns for the parking lot, tossing over his shoulder, “I’ll see you later.”
That night, he has the dream again.
***
2. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
“That’s it,” Johnny cries out, slamming his books against his desk. “What the fuck crawled up your ass an' died?”
Matt doesn’t meet his eye, spitting out, “Nothing. It’s nothing, all right?”
“Bullshit it’s nothin'!” Taking a step closer, Johnny corners him between the desk and the wall. “Everythin' was fine 'til a month ago. Now you’re bitchin' at me for teasing ya ‘bout bein’ hot, you’re pissed if I even mention other guys, ya won’ look at me, ya can’t fuckin' wait ta get away from me-- I’m askin' again ‘cause it’s obvious somethin’s up. The fuck is your problem, huh?”
“Nothing!” Matt shouts, heart racing. “Get out of my way, will you? Just--”
“No.”
“No?” he repeats, incredulous.
Johnny shrugs, crossing his arms. “Yeah, no. I’m not lettin' ya leave this room 'til ya get the fuck over yourself. You’re my best friend, Matt. Ya don’ get ta hate me for no reason.” He leans in, breath catching as he asks, “Unless ya suddenly got a problem with me bein’ gay. Is that it? You realized how much you hate having your best friend be such a fag--”
The sheer force of Matt’s mouth slamming into Johnny’s is enough to cause them to lose balance, grappling for purchase. Neither of them stop kissing and they press against each other, tongues twisting, teeth rattling as they knock together. For a few long minutes, nothing exists beyond the point where their lips touch, and Matt has to admit, his dreams have never done this justice.
“That,” he gasps when they finally break for air, “that is what’s wrong.”
A beat passes. “Oh.”
***
5. It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.
“I should punch ya,” Johnny finally says. They’re sitting side-by-side on Johnny’s bed, looking everywhere but at each other.
Matt’s proud of his quiet, total breakdown. “I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve kind of been a dick.”
“Ya could say that. Ya could also say ‘douchebag asshole of epic proportions’.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Why didn’ ya just tell me?”
Barking a laugh, Matt points out, “I’d kind of have to tell myself, first. I just-- I don’t know, Johnny. This kind of blindsided me.” He bites a lip. “I wasn’t sure I wanted to do anything about it, anyway. I-I mean I’m straight, you know?”
“Yeah, so straight ya jus' attacked me with your mouth.”
He groans. “Crap, I didn’t-- I didn’t mean to do that.”
Johnny raises an eyebrow. “Really? ‘Cause I think ya meant ta do jus' that.” Hesitantly, he clasps Matt on the shoulder. “Look, whatever this is, whatever’s goin’ on... ya call the shots, got it? Ya wanna ignore this and jus' be friends, fine. But, uh, if ya wanted ta maybe figure this out a little better, that’s fine too. I mean it, your call.”
“And if I have no fucking clue what I want?”
Grinning, Johnny lightly brushes his thumb over bare skin. “Been waitin' this long, I can wait some more.”
***
9. Time is making fools of us again.
So they’re dating.
At least, they’re mostly dating, as best as Matt can figure out. They’re still best friends-- nothing will ever change that-- but now, behind closed doors, they kiss between jokes and video games. Johnny has the patience of a saint, so they’re taking things as slowly as possible while Matt figures it out, but for the most part, they’re dating.
Which makes staying over that much more interesting, he has to admit.
“Ya sure ya don’ wanna sleep up here?” Johnny asks, hanging off the bed as he peers down at Matt on the futon. “Plenty’a room.”
“Uh--”
“Teasin’.”
“Oh.” Matt flushes, pulling the blankets under his chin. “I knew that. It’s just, now that we’re-- now that things are different...”
“Yeah, I know. Ya wanna go slow. I told ya, ya call the shots and if ya wanna go slow--”
“That’s just it,” he interrupts. “Given half a chance, I’d be jumping you right now. But I’m not sure I’m ready to, uh, jump you. I mean,” Matt hurries to add, “I’m definitely ready, but I’m not sure I’m used to the whole idea yet. One minute you’re Johnny, my best friend, and now you’re Johnny, my boyfriend and--”
“Boyfriend?” Johnny echoes, eyes widening. “I’m your boyfriend?”
Crap. “Did I say ‘boyfriend’?”
“Ya did,” Johnny confirms. “It’s about time, too.” He lies back on the bed. “‘Night, boyfriend.”
Despite himself, Matt practically beams.
***
10. Wait for it all to turn up - it always does in the end.
Making out with Johnny will never, never stop being one of the most intense experiences of Matt’s life. It continually astounds him that weeks after making it official, a simple look or touch can still wind him up like nothing before.
“Wait, wait, I--” He’s panting, unable to catch his breath while Johnny’s tongue is doing that. “Stop, I--”
Johnny groans against his ear, pulling away to prop himself up on his elbows. “Yeah?”
Matt swallows. “Maybe we should cool it. Just for a little while.” Until the throbbing in his pants dies down.
Rolling away with an inaudible curse, Johnny manages, “You’re killin’ me.”
“Killing myself too, don’t worry.” And he is, repeatedly starting something he can’t finish, but god, if Johnny didn’t feel so good against him... “Look, I know this has been hard-- don’t you dare say it-- and I’m sorry, I’ve been really unfair to you, but--”
“But ya wanna take things slow,” Johnny finishes, nodding. “I said that was fine, and it’s fine. I mean-- hey, look at me.” He waits until Matt does, firmly meeting his tentative gaze. “I mean that. Really. Slow is good.” Leaning in, they share a brief (if sweet) kiss before he adds, “But this cockteasin'? Ya gotta stop, or I swear I’m gonna do some serious damage ta somethin'.”
“Cockteasing?” Matt protests. “Hey, I am not a cocktease. Okay, sure, we kiss, and grope, and pretty much dry hump one another any time we’re alone for more than five minutes, but that doesn’t-- yeah, okay, I see your point.” He sighs, dropping his head against Johnny’s pillow to stare at a crack forming on the ceiling. “It’s not what you think, though. I’m not a virgin. Hell, you know that better than anyone. I’ve just never done anything with a guy. It’s a little... overwhelming.”
Johnny guides a hand under his head, bringing them closer for a kiss. “Okay, then. Take your time,” he murmurs, nipping along Matt’s jaw. “But don’ be surprised when I drop dead from blueballs.”
At least he’ll have company, Matt thinks.
***
12. The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.
Under the pretense of helping Johnny study for finals, Matt’s been wasting most of a weekend on Johnny’s bed, pinned beneath the other boy while their mouths and hands engage in a pleasurable war for dominance. So far, Johnny’s winning, not that Matt can complain much. They’re halfway through their sixth ‘study break’ that hour when a knock suddenly rings out, startling them both. Quickly smoothing his clothes into a more presentable state, Johnny stands and heads for the door, hissing, “Relax, will ya?”
Easy for him to say, he’s used to being in the closet.
To their relief, it’s Teresa on the other side of the door, grinning that infectious grin of hers. “Johnny? Mama needs you downstairs.”
“Thanks.” Glancing over his shoulder, he adds, “Be back in a sec,” and disappears into the hallway.
Silence reigns for a long moment, and Matt grows increasingly uncomfortable. “So, Teres--”
“Are you and Johnny in love?”
Suddenly, everything stops dead. “What?”
“Are you and Johnny in love?” Teresa steps into the room, holding steady eye contact. “You look at him like Pop looks at Mama, and he loves her a lot. So do you love Johnny?”
“Um--” Where’s help when he needs it? “I don’t know that we should be talking about this.”
“Okay,” she agrees, unaware of the solace this brings. “But I think it’s good. More people should love each other like Pop and Mama do, and I like you. You’re funny and nice.” Conspicuously, she whispers, “So it’s okay if you and Johnny wanna love each other, I won’t tell.”
“Yeah,” he tells her. “Yeah, okay.”
***
6. Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.
“Don’t stop,” Matt gasps, thrusting his hips upward and groaning at the friction this causes, “Fuck, don’t stop, don’t--”
“Trust me,” Johnny gets out, teeth clenched. “I’m not plannin' ta.”
They’re both mostly clothed, Johnny’s shirt shoved up under his armpits and Matt’s jeans half undone, but neither of them can manage to pause long enough to finish undressing. It’s the farthest they’ve ever gotten, frantically rubbing against each other like this, and they’ll be damned if they let anything interrupt them.
“Wait, wait.” Matt pushes Johnny away, holding his hips just out of range. “Not like this. Touch-- touch me, fuck, want to touch you, need your hand on--”
“What?” Johnny jerks away, staring down with wide, blown pupils. “Seriously? Because I swear ta fuckin' God, Matt, if you’re jus' teasin' 'gain...”
“Now, please.”
Johnny’s quick to comply and that hand-- that glorious hand-- is the single best thing Matt has ever felt in his life. He does his best to reciprocate, though Johnny doesn’t seem to mind his inexperience, and within minutes the both of them are shuddering and crying out.
“Oh,” Matt says, after he’s caught his breath. “Oh, that’s what... huh.”
“‘Oh’?”
“Well, comparing that to any other sexual encounter I’ve had, I’d guess it’s safe to say I am gay.”
Not even Johnny’s laughter can ruin this moment for him.
***
4. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
“You know,” Matt says, halfway through dinner and a movie they’ve managed to squeeze between two afternoon classes, “I think your sister knows about us.”
“Lea?”
“No, Teresa.”
At this, Johnny snaps his head up. “Ya told her?”
“Don’t be stupid, of course not. I know your parents can’t find out.” Matt pokes at his enchilada, twirling cheese around his fork. “She asked me. A month ago, actually.”
For a long time, Johnny only stares. “Teresa. Asked ya.”
“What, am I speaking Mandarin now?”
“You’re tellin' me that my sister jus' came right up ta ya an' asked ya if we were, what, datin'?”
Matt smiles to himself. “Not exactly. She just wanted to know if we were in love. I’m not even sure she knew what she was asking.” He chances a glance. “She said I look at you like your dad looks at your mom. Then she asked me if I’m in love with you.”
“Oh.” It’s the oh-so-casual way in which Johnny asks the next part that gives him away. “What’d ya tell her?”
“Nothing.” Matt lets him sweat for a moment. “But I could have told her the truth-- that I’m in love with you.”
“Thank fuck,” Johnny mutters.
***
8. Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.
“Ha!” Matt spits out, throwing his bag beside his shoes. “Well, maybe you would have known that if you actually paid the slightest attention to what I’m doing!”
“Don’t you dare raise your voice to me,” his mother warns, narrowing her eyes. “I swear to God, I don’t know what’s with you anymore.”
“Anymore? When was the last time you had any clue what was going on? You can’t just come in and out of my life whenever you please and expect--”
“Oh, that’s right, I’m the neglectful mother,” she mocks. “Too busy to understand her son, is that it? Tell me then, if I ‘just don’t understand’, tell me what it is that’s so beyond my comprehension. Tell me what I’ve so obviously missed, some big, important--”
“I’m gay!” Matt yells, whirling around to defiantly face his mother, one hand on the doorknob. “I’m gay and I’ve been dating Johnny for three months! So-- so-- so just fuck off, all right!” He takes care to slam the door behind him as he storms out of the apartment.
Too bad he forgot his shoes.
***
7. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.
That Saturday, they decide to hang out at Maggie’s and take advantage of a parent-free house. They’ve already exhausted her CD and VHS collection, and the group has taken to lounging in the den, chatting and joking easily.
“I did not!” Maddy protests over their laughter. “I didn’t! Besides, he’s the one that was sucking on my tongue like he was going to find a surprise tootsie-roll center.”
Robert snorts, telling her, “That is the weirdest thing you’ve ever said.”
“It’s true! He couldn’t kiss at all.”
“Poor baby,” Maggie commiserates, patting her hand. “Nothing worse than a bad kisser.”
“One thing,” Chad point out. “Bad at oral.” He ignores the others’ groans, continuing, “Really, Stacy’s one of the hottest girls in school--”
“Hey!”
“--Present company excluded, but when it came down to a blow job, well. I think she thought it actually involved blowing.” They all lose it at that.
A few minutes later, Johnny interjects, “Yeah, well, least she put out. You wouldn’ believe the shit my boyfriend put me through.”
Matt can feel himself reddening as Maggie asks, “When are we going to meet this mythical boyfriend? You’ve been mentioning him for ages now, but you refuse to say any more. C’mon, Johnny, you won’t even tell us?”
“Once he’s ready,” he assures her. “'til then, he’s not fit for polite company. I can’t take him anywhere, really, guy’s manners're atrocious.”
“Hey! My manners are fine, thank yo--” Aware of the sudden silence, Matt cuts off. “I mean... shit.”
Johnny smirks.
***
11. There is no good or evil: only power and those too weak to seek it.
She corners him later that night, halfway between the bathroom and the den. When Matt moves to step around her, Maggie simply shifts to block his path. After a few rounds of this dance, he finally breaks.
“Okay. What do you want?”
Maggie glares. “You asswipe. How dare you?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” She takes a step closer, jabbing him in the chest with her finger. “You knew, you knew that I wanted Johnny. So you had to take him, didn’t you?”
Matt bitterly laughs. “Please. Even without me around you’d have a snowball’s chance. In case you forgot, Johnny’s gay and always has been. Now get the fuck out of my way, will you?”
She doesn’t. “You hate me that much, do you? You just can’t stand to let me get what I want?”
“What, are you fucking delusional?” Matt pulls himself up to his full height, looming over her. “Johnny doesn’t want you. Johnny’s never wanted you. He’s never going to want you. He’s gay.”
“You’re not,” she snaps, eyeing him carefully.
“Yeah, well, funny thing about that.” Matt grips her shoulders, moving Maggie aside. “Turns out I am.”
He leaves her in the hallway, alone.
***
14. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
“You’re not goin' ta wait around all day, ya can’t be serious.”
Matt doesn’t look up, expression pinched. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Uh, 'cause that’s insane. Just go accept the award an' forget 'bout her.”
“Stop it.” Jumping to his feet and knocking his chair to the floor, Matt paces around the kitchen. “Just stop it, I don’t want to hear it.”
“'Cause ya know I’m right,” Johnny mutters.
“Shut up!”
For a second, he thinks Johnny’s going to-- but only for a second. “Ya know what? No. No, I’m not gonna shut up, 'cause I am right! I’m sick of watchin' her upset you and hurt you like this. Yeah, she’s your ma, whatever. She’s also a selfish bitch that’s never given one shit about you an' ya know it! Stop makin' excuses for her already an' move on!”
Matt stops dead in his tracks. “Get out. Get out of my apartment right now.”
“Matt, I--” Softer this time, but nowhere near enough.
“Get out.” He points, hand trembling. “And don’t call me. I’ll call you.”
“Fine.”
It’s a hollow victory.
***
1. His priority did not seem to be to teach them what he knew, but rather to impress upon them that nothing, not even….. knowledge, was foolproof.
“Oh, right,” Johnny says afterward, shifting Matt on his chest. “Almost forgot your gift.”
“That wasn’t my gift?” he teases.
“Well, if ya don’ wan'--”
Matt reaches up, easily ripping the present from his hands. “Gimme. Of course I want.” He shifts on the bed, sitting up to tear the wrapping paper apart. It takes a little more work to pry open the box, but eventually Matt’s reaching inside, pulling the book out with an air of confusion. “A... check? You wrote me a check for my birthday?”
Johnny snorts. “Yeah, call me a romantic. I’m givin’ ya cash for your birthday.” He lightly smacks at Matt’s arm. “Think, dumbass. That’s my checkbook-- it’s symbolic an' shit. Your real gift is that, startin' this semester, you’ll be attendin' Columbia on my dime.”
He knows his mouth is hanging wide open, but he can’t help it. “You-- what-- no. No! Johnny, I can’t--”
“‘S a gift,” Johnny insists. “‘Course ya can. That’s what I’m givin’ ya.”
“You can’t pay for school.”
“An' your new apartment-- did I mention I’m gettin' ya an apartment?”
All thoughts and words flee Matt at this, so he simply kisses Johnny in response.
***
13. What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does.
“No.”
“Ain’t your choice to make,” Johnny points out, resting an arm around Matt’s shoulders and pulling him closer on the couch. “I already decided.”
“No, Johnny.” Matt shakes his head. “I can’t let you.”
A scoff. “You’re fuckin' crazier'n Maggie if ya think ya can stop me from doin' anythin'. Besides, I’m the one comin' out, not you.”
Fear seizes Matt and he presses his face into Johnny’s chest. “You’re an idiot. Your parents are gonna kill you.”
“Pop won’. An' maybe Ma’ll surprise us, who knows.” Johnny’s shrug is easy, almost carefree. “That’s not important anyway. What’s important is that we’re gonna be together. We’ve been datin' for 'most two years, Matt. I’m sick a hidin' and keepin' yoa a secret. I’m sure as fuck not gonna do it once we’re livin' in a one-bedroom apartment.”
Matt sighs, closing his eyes and breathing in Johnny’s scent. “Christ. Fine, be responsible and adult about it.”
“What, ya’d rather I come out ta my ma in the middle'a a fight?” Johnny smiles, kissing the top of his head.
“I’ll be there with you, when you do it. If you want.” Matt glances up. “Whatever you want, I’ll support you.”
“I know ya will. That’s why I gotta, you know?”
Nodding, Matt adds, “I love you, Johnny.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
***
geenaColor: Emerald Green
Supplies and Styles: Eraser, saturation
Rating: R (for language and brief sexual situations)
Word Count: 3,658
Story: Polyfaceted (Index~Timeline); the title of this story is D'Amore.
Summary: Every love story has a beginning.
Notes: This is a complete and total AU that takes place in 1992-1994. In canon, Johnny spend most of his life in love with his straight best friend, Matt. This is the AU where Matt is far less straight, and far more in love with Johnny.
***
15. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.
September 1992
It starts with the dreams.
It’s the standard fare at first-- a surprise exam, a hallway full of locked doors, MaryAnne Birchmen pouting and offering to take off her bra, the usual stuff. But then, without warning, everything changes and he’s suddenly in St. Joseph’s locker room, trapped between the shower wall and Johnny’s solid frame. Sometimes they kiss (or more) and sometimes they just stare at one another, intensity burning just beneath the surface. Either way, it’s always Johnny, Johnny surrounding him, Johnny touching him, Johnny consuming him.
It’s become a regular occurrence for Matt to wake up hard, full of a sense of longing he doesn’t understand.
His first thoughts are always of Johnny.
***
3. If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.
September 1992
They’ve been best friends for years, since the first day of kindergarten. They’ve shared everything, up to and including the fact that Johnny’s gay and half in love with Matt. It’s never been a problem between them, despite Matt’s obvious heterosexuality-- in fact, they’ve spent countless hours joking and flirting, avoiding this thing between them. If they can laugh about it, it’s not that big of a deal, right?
Except, suddenly, it is.
“I’m just sayin',” Johnny continues one afternoon, the two of them cooling down after a game of one-on-one in the park, “he was ridiculously pretty.”
“Uh-huh.” Matt leans back against the bench, pinching his eyes shut. “That’s nice.”
“No, I don’ think you’re understandin' the severity of his pretty. An' he, like, pursed his lips while he talked, like he was already imaginin' how great it’d be ta suck me off or somethin'.” There’s a faraway look in Johnny’s eyes, a grin on his face. “Was damn great at it too. Better ass'n his mouth, though, ‘n’ that’s sayin’ a lot.”
There’s a buzzing in Matt’s head, a twitchy feeling just beneath the surface. Jumping to his feet, he grabs his duffel bag, muttering, “Yeah, I get it.”
Johnny glances over, his brow furrowed. “Well, I didn’ say he had a better ass'n ya.” He chances a smile and reaches a hand out. “Hey, what’s--”
“You know,” Matt snaps, unable to contain himself, “maybe I don’t want to hear all about your dates. And any time you want to stop hitting on me, that’d be great.”
“What? Matt, the hell--”
“Save it.” He turns for the parking lot, tossing over his shoulder, “I’ll see you later.”
That night, he has the dream again.
***
2. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
October 1992
“That’s it,” Johnny cries out, slamming his books against his desk. “What the fuck crawled up your ass an' died?”
Matt doesn’t meet his eye, spitting out, “Nothing. It’s nothing, all right?”
“Bullshit it’s nothin'!” Taking a step closer, Johnny corners him between the desk and the wall. “Everythin' was fine 'til a month ago. Now you’re bitchin' at me for teasing ya ‘bout bein’ hot, you’re pissed if I even mention other guys, ya won’ look at me, ya can’t fuckin' wait ta get away from me-- I’m askin' again ‘cause it’s obvious somethin’s up. The fuck is your problem, huh?”
“Nothing!” Matt shouts, heart racing. “Get out of my way, will you? Just--”
“No.”
“No?” he repeats, incredulous.
Johnny shrugs, crossing his arms. “Yeah, no. I’m not lettin' ya leave this room 'til ya get the fuck over yourself. You’re my best friend, Matt. Ya don’ get ta hate me for no reason.” He leans in, breath catching as he asks, “Unless ya suddenly got a problem with me bein’ gay. Is that it? You realized how much you hate having your best friend be such a fag--”
The sheer force of Matt’s mouth slamming into Johnny’s is enough to cause them to lose balance, grappling for purchase. Neither of them stop kissing and they press against each other, tongues twisting, teeth rattling as they knock together. For a few long minutes, nothing exists beyond the point where their lips touch, and Matt has to admit, his dreams have never done this justice.
“That,” he gasps when they finally break for air, “that is what’s wrong.”
A beat passes. “Oh.”
***
5. It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.
October 1992
“I should punch ya,” Johnny finally says. They’re sitting side-by-side on Johnny’s bed, looking everywhere but at each other.
Matt’s proud of his quiet, total breakdown. “I wouldn’t blame you. I’ve kind of been a dick.”
“Ya could say that. Ya could also say ‘douchebag asshole of epic proportions’.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Why didn’ ya just tell me?”
Barking a laugh, Matt points out, “I’d kind of have to tell myself, first. I just-- I don’t know, Johnny. This kind of blindsided me.” He bites a lip. “I wasn’t sure I wanted to do anything about it, anyway. I-I mean I’m straight, you know?”
“Yeah, so straight ya jus' attacked me with your mouth.”
He groans. “Crap, I didn’t-- I didn’t mean to do that.”
Johnny raises an eyebrow. “Really? ‘Cause I think ya meant ta do jus' that.” Hesitantly, he clasps Matt on the shoulder. “Look, whatever this is, whatever’s goin’ on... ya call the shots, got it? Ya wanna ignore this and jus' be friends, fine. But, uh, if ya wanted ta maybe figure this out a little better, that’s fine too. I mean it, your call.”
“And if I have no fucking clue what I want?”
Grinning, Johnny lightly brushes his thumb over bare skin. “Been waitin' this long, I can wait some more.”
***
9. Time is making fools of us again.
November 1992
So they’re dating.
At least, they’re mostly dating, as best as Matt can figure out. They’re still best friends-- nothing will ever change that-- but now, behind closed doors, they kiss between jokes and video games. Johnny has the patience of a saint, so they’re taking things as slowly as possible while Matt figures it out, but for the most part, they’re dating.
Which makes staying over that much more interesting, he has to admit.
“Ya sure ya don’ wanna sleep up here?” Johnny asks, hanging off the bed as he peers down at Matt on the futon. “Plenty’a room.”
“Uh--”
“Teasin’.”
“Oh.” Matt flushes, pulling the blankets under his chin. “I knew that. It’s just, now that we’re-- now that things are different...”
“Yeah, I know. Ya wanna go slow. I told ya, ya call the shots and if ya wanna go slow--”
“That’s just it,” he interrupts. “Given half a chance, I’d be jumping you right now. But I’m not sure I’m ready to, uh, jump you. I mean,” Matt hurries to add, “I’m definitely ready, but I’m not sure I’m used to the whole idea yet. One minute you’re Johnny, my best friend, and now you’re Johnny, my boyfriend and--”
“Boyfriend?” Johnny echoes, eyes widening. “I’m your boyfriend?”
Crap. “Did I say ‘boyfriend’?”
“Ya did,” Johnny confirms. “It’s about time, too.” He lies back on the bed. “‘Night, boyfriend.”
Despite himself, Matt practically beams.
***
10. Wait for it all to turn up - it always does in the end.
December 1992
Making out with Johnny will never, never stop being one of the most intense experiences of Matt’s life. It continually astounds him that weeks after making it official, a simple look or touch can still wind him up like nothing before.
“Wait, wait, I--” He’s panting, unable to catch his breath while Johnny’s tongue is doing that. “Stop, I--”
Johnny groans against his ear, pulling away to prop himself up on his elbows. “Yeah?”
Matt swallows. “Maybe we should cool it. Just for a little while.” Until the throbbing in his pants dies down.
Rolling away with an inaudible curse, Johnny manages, “You’re killin’ me.”
“Killing myself too, don’t worry.” And he is, repeatedly starting something he can’t finish, but god, if Johnny didn’t feel so good against him... “Look, I know this has been hard-- don’t you dare say it-- and I’m sorry, I’ve been really unfair to you, but--”
“But ya wanna take things slow,” Johnny finishes, nodding. “I said that was fine, and it’s fine. I mean-- hey, look at me.” He waits until Matt does, firmly meeting his tentative gaze. “I mean that. Really. Slow is good.” Leaning in, they share a brief (if sweet) kiss before he adds, “But this cockteasin'? Ya gotta stop, or I swear I’m gonna do some serious damage ta somethin'.”
“Cockteasing?” Matt protests. “Hey, I am not a cocktease. Okay, sure, we kiss, and grope, and pretty much dry hump one another any time we’re alone for more than five minutes, but that doesn’t-- yeah, okay, I see your point.” He sighs, dropping his head against Johnny’s pillow to stare at a crack forming on the ceiling. “It’s not what you think, though. I’m not a virgin. Hell, you know that better than anyone. I’ve just never done anything with a guy. It’s a little... overwhelming.”
Johnny guides a hand under his head, bringing them closer for a kiss. “Okay, then. Take your time,” he murmurs, nipping along Matt’s jaw. “But don’ be surprised when I drop dead from blueballs.”
At least he’ll have company, Matt thinks.
***
12. The consequences of our actions are so complicated, so diverse, that predicting the future is a very difficult business indeed.
January 1993
Under the pretense of helping Johnny study for finals, Matt’s been wasting most of a weekend on Johnny’s bed, pinned beneath the other boy while their mouths and hands engage in a pleasurable war for dominance. So far, Johnny’s winning, not that Matt can complain much. They’re halfway through their sixth ‘study break’ that hour when a knock suddenly rings out, startling them both. Quickly smoothing his clothes into a more presentable state, Johnny stands and heads for the door, hissing, “Relax, will ya?”
Easy for him to say, he’s used to being in the closet.
To their relief, it’s Teresa on the other side of the door, grinning that infectious grin of hers. “Johnny? Mama needs you downstairs.”
“Thanks.” Glancing over his shoulder, he adds, “Be back in a sec,” and disappears into the hallway.
Silence reigns for a long moment, and Matt grows increasingly uncomfortable. “So, Teres--”
“Are you and Johnny in love?”
Suddenly, everything stops dead. “What?”
“Are you and Johnny in love?” Teresa steps into the room, holding steady eye contact. “You look at him like Pop looks at Mama, and he loves her a lot. So do you love Johnny?”
“Um--” Where’s help when he needs it? “I don’t know that we should be talking about this.”
“Okay,” she agrees, unaware of the solace this brings. “But I think it’s good. More people should love each other like Pop and Mama do, and I like you. You’re funny and nice.” Conspicuously, she whispers, “So it’s okay if you and Johnny wanna love each other, I won’t tell.”
“Yeah,” he tells her. “Yeah, okay.”
***
6. Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.
January 1993
“Don’t stop,” Matt gasps, thrusting his hips upward and groaning at the friction this causes, “Fuck, don’t stop, don’t--”
“Trust me,” Johnny gets out, teeth clenched. “I’m not plannin' ta.”
They’re both mostly clothed, Johnny’s shirt shoved up under his armpits and Matt’s jeans half undone, but neither of them can manage to pause long enough to finish undressing. It’s the farthest they’ve ever gotten, frantically rubbing against each other like this, and they’ll be damned if they let anything interrupt them.
“Wait, wait.” Matt pushes Johnny away, holding his hips just out of range. “Not like this. Touch-- touch me, fuck, want to touch you, need your hand on--”
“What?” Johnny jerks away, staring down with wide, blown pupils. “Seriously? Because I swear ta fuckin' God, Matt, if you’re jus' teasin' 'gain...”
“Now, please.”
Johnny’s quick to comply and that hand-- that glorious hand-- is the single best thing Matt has ever felt in his life. He does his best to reciprocate, though Johnny doesn’t seem to mind his inexperience, and within minutes the both of them are shuddering and crying out.
“Oh,” Matt says, after he’s caught his breath. “Oh, that’s what... huh.”
“‘Oh’?”
“Well, comparing that to any other sexual encounter I’ve had, I’d guess it’s safe to say I am gay.”
Not even Johnny’s laughter can ruin this moment for him.
***
4. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
February 1993
“You know,” Matt says, halfway through dinner and a movie they’ve managed to squeeze between two afternoon classes, “I think your sister knows about us.”
“Lea?”
“No, Teresa.”
At this, Johnny snaps his head up. “Ya told her?”
“Don’t be stupid, of course not. I know your parents can’t find out.” Matt pokes at his enchilada, twirling cheese around his fork. “She asked me. A month ago, actually.”
For a long time, Johnny only stares. “Teresa. Asked ya.”
“What, am I speaking Mandarin now?”
“You’re tellin' me that my sister jus' came right up ta ya an' asked ya if we were, what, datin'?”
Matt smiles to himself. “Not exactly. She just wanted to know if we were in love. I’m not even sure she knew what she was asking.” He chances a glance. “She said I look at you like your dad looks at your mom. Then she asked me if I’m in love with you.”
“Oh.” It’s the oh-so-casual way in which Johnny asks the next part that gives him away. “What’d ya tell her?”
“Nothing.” Matt lets him sweat for a moment. “But I could have told her the truth-- that I’m in love with you.”
“Thank fuck,” Johnny mutters.
***
8. Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth.
February 1993
“Ha!” Matt spits out, throwing his bag beside his shoes. “Well, maybe you would have known that if you actually paid the slightest attention to what I’m doing!”
“Don’t you dare raise your voice to me,” his mother warns, narrowing her eyes. “I swear to God, I don’t know what’s with you anymore.”
“Anymore? When was the last time you had any clue what was going on? You can’t just come in and out of my life whenever you please and expect--”
“Oh, that’s right, I’m the neglectful mother,” she mocks. “Too busy to understand her son, is that it? Tell me then, if I ‘just don’t understand’, tell me what it is that’s so beyond my comprehension. Tell me what I’ve so obviously missed, some big, important--”
“I’m gay!” Matt yells, whirling around to defiantly face his mother, one hand on the doorknob. “I’m gay and I’ve been dating Johnny for three months! So-- so-- so just fuck off, all right!” He takes care to slam the door behind him as he storms out of the apartment.
Too bad he forgot his shoes.
***
7. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.
April 1993
That Saturday, they decide to hang out at Maggie’s and take advantage of a parent-free house. They’ve already exhausted her CD and VHS collection, and the group has taken to lounging in the den, chatting and joking easily.
“I did not!” Maddy protests over their laughter. “I didn’t! Besides, he’s the one that was sucking on my tongue like he was going to find a surprise tootsie-roll center.”
Robert snorts, telling her, “That is the weirdest thing you’ve ever said.”
“It’s true! He couldn’t kiss at all.”
“Poor baby,” Maggie commiserates, patting her hand. “Nothing worse than a bad kisser.”
“One thing,” Chad point out. “Bad at oral.” He ignores the others’ groans, continuing, “Really, Stacy’s one of the hottest girls in school--”
“Hey!”
“--Present company excluded, but when it came down to a blow job, well. I think she thought it actually involved blowing.” They all lose it at that.
A few minutes later, Johnny interjects, “Yeah, well, least she put out. You wouldn’ believe the shit my boyfriend put me through.”
Matt can feel himself reddening as Maggie asks, “When are we going to meet this mythical boyfriend? You’ve been mentioning him for ages now, but you refuse to say any more. C’mon, Johnny, you won’t even tell us?”
“Once he’s ready,” he assures her. “'til then, he’s not fit for polite company. I can’t take him anywhere, really, guy’s manners're atrocious.”
“Hey! My manners are fine, thank yo--” Aware of the sudden silence, Matt cuts off. “I mean... shit.”
Johnny smirks.
***
11. There is no good or evil: only power and those too weak to seek it.
April 1993
She corners him later that night, halfway between the bathroom and the den. When Matt moves to step around her, Maggie simply shifts to block his path. After a few rounds of this dance, he finally breaks.
“Okay. What do you want?”
Maggie glares. “You asswipe. How dare you?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me.” She takes a step closer, jabbing him in the chest with her finger. “You knew, you knew that I wanted Johnny. So you had to take him, didn’t you?”
Matt bitterly laughs. “Please. Even without me around you’d have a snowball’s chance. In case you forgot, Johnny’s gay and always has been. Now get the fuck out of my way, will you?”
She doesn’t. “You hate me that much, do you? You just can’t stand to let me get what I want?”
“What, are you fucking delusional?” Matt pulls himself up to his full height, looming over her. “Johnny doesn’t want you. Johnny’s never wanted you. He’s never going to want you. He’s gay.”
“You’re not,” she snaps, eyeing him carefully.
“Yeah, well, funny thing about that.” Matt grips her shoulders, moving Maggie aside. “Turns out I am.”
He leaves her in the hallway, alone.
***
14. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.
May 1993
“You’re not goin' ta wait around all day, ya can’t be serious.”
Matt doesn’t look up, expression pinched. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Uh, 'cause that’s insane. Just go accept the award an' forget 'bout her.”
“Stop it.” Jumping to his feet and knocking his chair to the floor, Matt paces around the kitchen. “Just stop it, I don’t want to hear it.”
“'Cause ya know I’m right,” Johnny mutters.
“Shut up!”
For a second, he thinks Johnny’s going to-- but only for a second. “Ya know what? No. No, I’m not gonna shut up, 'cause I am right! I’m sick of watchin' her upset you and hurt you like this. Yeah, she’s your ma, whatever. She’s also a selfish bitch that’s never given one shit about you an' ya know it! Stop makin' excuses for her already an' move on!”
Matt stops dead in his tracks. “Get out. Get out of my apartment right now.”
“Matt, I--” Softer this time, but nowhere near enough.
“Get out.” He points, hand trembling. “And don’t call me. I’ll call you.”
“Fine.”
It’s a hollow victory.
***
1. His priority did not seem to be to teach them what he knew, but rather to impress upon them that nothing, not even….. knowledge, was foolproof.
September 1993
“Oh, right,” Johnny says afterward, shifting Matt on his chest. “Almost forgot your gift.”
“That wasn’t my gift?” he teases.
“Well, if ya don’ wan'--”
Matt reaches up, easily ripping the present from his hands. “Gimme. Of course I want.” He shifts on the bed, sitting up to tear the wrapping paper apart. It takes a little more work to pry open the box, but eventually Matt’s reaching inside, pulling the book out with an air of confusion. “A... check? You wrote me a check for my birthday?”
Johnny snorts. “Yeah, call me a romantic. I’m givin’ ya cash for your birthday.” He lightly smacks at Matt’s arm. “Think, dumbass. That’s my checkbook-- it’s symbolic an' shit. Your real gift is that, startin' this semester, you’ll be attendin' Columbia on my dime.”
He knows his mouth is hanging wide open, but he can’t help it. “You-- what-- no. No! Johnny, I can’t--”
“‘S a gift,” Johnny insists. “‘Course ya can. That’s what I’m givin’ ya.”
“You can’t pay for school.”
“An' your new apartment-- did I mention I’m gettin' ya an apartment?”
All thoughts and words flee Matt at this, so he simply kisses Johnny in response.
***
13. What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does.
June 1994
“No.”
“Ain’t your choice to make,” Johnny points out, resting an arm around Matt’s shoulders and pulling him closer on the couch. “I already decided.”
“No, Johnny.” Matt shakes his head. “I can’t let you.”
A scoff. “You’re fuckin' crazier'n Maggie if ya think ya can stop me from doin' anythin'. Besides, I’m the one comin' out, not you.”
Fear seizes Matt and he presses his face into Johnny’s chest. “You’re an idiot. Your parents are gonna kill you.”
“Pop won’. An' maybe Ma’ll surprise us, who knows.” Johnny’s shrug is easy, almost carefree. “That’s not important anyway. What’s important is that we’re gonna be together. We’ve been datin' for 'most two years, Matt. I’m sick a hidin' and keepin' yoa a secret. I’m sure as fuck not gonna do it once we’re livin' in a one-bedroom apartment.”
Matt sighs, closing his eyes and breathing in Johnny’s scent. “Christ. Fine, be responsible and adult about it.”
“What, ya’d rather I come out ta my ma in the middle'a a fight?” Johnny smiles, kissing the top of his head.
“I’ll be there with you, when you do it. If you want.” Matt glances up. “Whatever you want, I’ll support you.”
“I know ya will. That’s why I gotta, you know?”
Nodding, Matt adds, “I love you, Johnny.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
***
no subject
Dick. And I say this as the person who married a chick who fell asleep during first kisses.
though Johnny doesn’t seem to mind his inexperience
Uuuuuunderstatement.
“You’re fuckin' crazier'n Maggie if ya think ya can stop me from doin' anythin'.
I love that she MADE HERSELF their measuring stick for crazy. And, um, Matt, there are very, VERY few people who can stop Johnny from doing something he sets his mind to. VERY. Possibly zero.
I loooooooooooove this. So worth waiting for MONTHS for it to coalesce. Stupid Matt. Perfect color to use, though!
no subject
Shhhhhh.
Yeah, Maggie kind of set herself up for that, with her crazy obsession with Johnny and the Corlionis in general. Just... way to be.
Yaaaaay, you like this! Very, very glad to hear so.
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Also, LOVE THESE TWO. And this AU. So sweet and happy! Well done.
no subject
I loled. I loled quite heartily.
They are adorable, and, like, high school (and younger) sweethearts. Plus, you know, even in canon Johnny's desperately in love with Matt, so I love the idea of it all working out with them.
Thank you!
no subject
no subject
Glad you liked it!