Nikki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
five_steps_back) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
rainbowfic2012-08-05 04:01 pm
five_steps_back) wrote in rainbowfic2012-08-05 04:01 pm
Entry tags:
- author: nikki,
- color: blush,
- story: phase,
- story: polyfaceted,
- style: collage,
- style: mosaic,
- style: portrait,
- style: saturation,
- supply: beading wire,
- supply: chalk,
- supply: eraser,
- supply: glitter,
- supply: glue,
- supply: modeling clay,
- supply: oils,
- supply: pastels,
- supply: seed beads,
- supply: yarn
Blush Saturation with Eraser, Mosaic, Collage, Portrait, Pastels, and Others
Author: Nikki
Colors: Blush
Styles/Supplies: Saturation, Eraser (OTP AU), Mosaic, Collage, Portrait, Pastels (Card 1, B2: making up), Modeling Clay, Yarn, Beading Wire, Glitter, Chalk, Seed Beads, Oils
Story: Phase and Polyfaceted; the title of this is 'Look At The Stars, Look How They Shine For You.'
Summary: Calum and Jakob's life together.
Word Count: 5,325
Rating: PG-13
Notes: This is basically an AU where Jakob had a drunken non-one-night-stand with Calum instead of Oz. The story of Sean is told better here. Thanks so much to Kelly for helping me with a few Calum pointers and beta-reading/editing.
1. soft kisses
Jakob didn't sleep with Calum again immediately. It wasn't that he didn't want to; he did, quite a lot. They did nearly everything but, and Jakob was sure to stay within touching distance of Calum when he could. He was happy to just be held and kissed, though he didn't complain about anything else, and Calum never pushed for anything more. It was simply... difficult to associate actual intercourse with anything other than pain, and Sean always poisoned the very edge of his thoughts. It was easy to block out and forget when he was drunk, but that wasn't something he wanted to make a habit of.
It wasn't until a few hours before he had to go home that he was actually able to bring it up with an embarrassed, halting question that Calum understood. Calum always understood. He went slow and Jakob didn't ask him to stop, only kissed him deeply while he clung to him. It was wonderful and perfect, and made Jakob realize exactly how bad Sean had treated him.
He tried to shove that away, but it stuck fast. He didn't sob but Calum felt him shake, and Jakob didn't have a chance to dry his eyes before Calum pulled back to look at him.
"Jakob, what's wrong?" he asked, running a hand up Jakob's arm. "Did I hurt you?"
He shook his head, unable to look at him. "No," and he hated how relieved and pathetic and weak his voice sounded, "you didn't."
Even without looking at Calum, Jakob knew that only raised more questions than it answered. "I would never," Calum answered. His voice was gentle, but firm.
Jakob believed him and nodded, but it didn't make him look at Calum or make him stop crying. Still, he didn't fight when Calum lay back down and gathered him in his arms. He was indescribably grateful that Calum waited for him to calm down before he spoke again.
"Do you want to talk about it, pretty boy?" Calum murmured into his hair.
He didn't immediately answer. He didn't honestly know. Sean shook him, hurt him without even being able to touch him in the end, and used him completely. He didn't know if he wanted to tell Calum; he didn't know how Calum would react, and Jakob didn't know if he could deal with the same disgusted look showing on Calum's face that was always on Sean's when he was done with him.
"There was someone before you," he finally said in a small voice. He kept his gaze on Calum's shoulder. "It was after I moved here. He was nice at first." He said it like it might make him less stupid for getting into the situation in the first place. "But then he... I told him... what I thought I might like."
Calum slowly trailed a hand up and down up and down his spine. "Did he listen?" he asked, his voice soft.
Jakob hesitantly shook his head. "He would... He pulled my hair too hard." He tried to keep his voice steady; the words almost seemed like they came from somebody else. "And he would push my head down. He got mad if I couldn't, or if I messed up." He shrank into himself when Calum tensed, but minutely relaxed when Calum only held him closer and pressed a kiss against his forehead. Jakob's gaze never left Calum's shoulder. "And after, we would... he would just put on a condom. If I tried to-- he would just push me back down--"
Something in Calum changed. Jakob fearfully glanced up and found him staring fire at the wall; he didn't mean to, but he flinched away. Calum looked down, the look on his face changing, but Jakob spoke before he could.
"I'm sorry." He looked back down at Calum's shoulder. "I made you mad. I'm sorry."
"Jakob." Calum cupped his cheek and tilted his face up, until Jakob would look him in the eye. "I am not mad at you. I'm not. I am upset, but only because I don't like the fact that somebody did that to you."
He only shook his head. "I shouldn't have said anything."
Calum kissed him softly. "I'm glad you did. I'm sorry it happened. You don't deserve anything like that, pretty boy."
The words almost confused him and Jakob couldn't stop the small sob that escaped. "Why are you so nice to me?"
"I like you, quite a lot." He ran his fingers through Jakob's hair and caught his gaze again. "If we're together much longer, I think I'll love you." Jakob's eyes widened but Calum kissed him swiftly before he could say anything. "And as a rule, I'm nice to the boys I sleep with. It's wrong to be cruel to them."
Jakob pressed his face into Calum's shoulder to keep himself from saying anything foolish. Calum wrapped his arms around him and pressed another kiss into his hair.
"Can we keep doing this until I have to go home?" he asked quietly against Calum's skin after a few long moments.
"Of course, buachaill deas." There was a pause before Calum continued. "If it's all right to ask, what was his name?"
Jakob didn't have to ask who he was talking about. "Sean. Sean Cavanaugh."
5. hand in hand
Jakob was nervous to sleep that night, alone at home in his own bed. He had nightmares almost every night, involving Sean, or just bad memories and pain. He hadn't had them the last few nights, but Calum had been with him and he had felt safe. Even with his worries, sleep came easy.
He dreamed about Calum. In the way dreams were, it was a bit out of focus and jumped around, but Jakob was smiling when he woke up. He remembered the weight of Calum safely weighing him down and lightly pinning his hands on either side of his head. They held hands, their fingers intertwined, and Jakob saw a million shooting stars in Calum's smile.
He would wait for Calum to say it first, but Jakob knew he loved him.
7. sweet nothings
School the next day was mostly the same. He went to class and paid attention and took enough notes to make his notebook pages look almost soaked in ink. Except that occasionally, his train of thought would go to Calum, and he'd find himself daydreaming. Jakob couldn't remember the last time he hadn't paid full attention in class, but it didn't bother him like it usually did. The end of the day came without a problem, and he called Calum once he made it home to invite him over.
He was embarrassed about his room at first. It was maybe half the size of Calum's, with a full-sized bed that had cabinets in the headboards shoved into one corner. The stairs down into the basement-room took up most of one wall, while the rest of the walls were lined with bookshelves and storage that held every scientific thing Jakob had brought with him from Germany. A few simple posters lined what free space was on his walls: a picture of the 1919 full eclipse, a quote in German about Einstein's theory of relativity, and a diagram showing the size differences between the planets and their moons. A door on the wall opposite the bed led to a small private bath, and there was a low table in the middle of the room that had open books and notebooks covering it, with pillows set around it for seats. Jakob tidied up what he was able to, but he was still worried about what Calum might think. His house was small, but his family did their best to make it a cozy, happy home.
Calum didn't seem to blink at the differences between their houses. Jakob didn't possibly know what he had done to find someone so wonderful, especially when Calum led him to the bed.
It wasn't until halfway through the school week that Jakob finally realized what was different about life, other than his excellent turn-around when it came to relationships. He hadn't seen Sean at school for days. It wasn't until he heard people whispering about how nobody had seen him that Jakob even noticed. He was considered a missing person, and his friends and group seemed to be worried. The worry and rumors spread through the school, but seemed to avoid Jakob. Most people didn't talk to him after Sean was done with him, anyway. Now that Sean was gone, he was somehow even more invisible to his peers.
Except to Calum. Calum was able to tell that something was bothering him, and Jakob only hesitated to get his thoughts straight before he answered.
"I know he hurt me. And I know he's a bad person. But shouldn't I still feel bad that someone is missing?" Jakob shrugged, confused. "He's human. He's our age. Everyone else seems to be so worried, and I'm just... glad. It's been so peaceful at school." He flushed with shame, lowering his eyes. "I must sound so awful. I'm sorry."
Calum kissed him softly. "You don't. And you aren't. People can worry about him all they want, pretty boy. It obviously means they don't know him. I don't think anyone would expect you to worry about it. I certainly wouldn't blame you for being less than upset." Jakob managed to meet Calum's smile with a small one of his own. "He has enough people to worry about him, love. There's no need for him to be haunting your mind anymore."
Jakob knew that made sense. He moved closer to Calum, snuggling against his side, and sighed against his neck. "You've mostly been the only thing on my mind. I've been worried about writing something embarrassing on an assignment."
Calum laughed. "What sort of things have you been thinking about?"
He flushed again. "Everything. Happy things. If we're both there, even in my mind, we're usually happy." His eyes fluttered shut when Calum kissed him again. "You make me happy. I don't know how to thank you for that."
"You make me happy too, beautiful." Calum ran a hand through his hair, a smirk curling at the corners of his lips. "And I'd love to give you a few ideas if you'd like them."
"Well," he softly answered, reddening more, "I do trust you. Whatever you'd like, I'd be very happy to give you."
"Oh, Jakob." Calum's smiled wider. "You are the only one who could say that and have it be sweet instead of incredibly filthy."
He laughed quietly. "I do try."
2. first date
Their first actual date wasn't until about two weeks after they met. They spent some afternoons and evenings together during the week, and usually one of them stayed at the other's house on the weekend. Jakob was staying with Calum when they decided to go out and see a movie. He blushed when Calum kept an arm wrapped around him and pushed closer to him while they waited in line.
They bought tickets for Spider-Man because Jakob was more of a Star Trek fan than he was a Star Wars fan, but he couldn't recall much of the movie when it was over. Calum had led them to seats near the back of the theater and kissed him as soon as the lights went down. Jakob never thought about pulling away.
The theater had a cafe inside that they went to when the movie was done. Calum took his coffee black, but Jakob put enough cream and sugar in his to turn it the color of sand. "I liked the movie," he shyly offered, after they had sit. "What we saw of it."
"I liked the other parts," Calum dryly said. "Should we head home after this?"
He chewed thoughtfully on his bottom lip before he checked the time. It wasn't too late... Jakob smiled in what he hoped was a teasing way. "We can see another movie."
"Well, if we aren't going to be paying attention, we can go see Star Wars."
He wrinkled his nose, though laughter was in his voice. "I'm not even sure if you could keep me in the mood through Star Wars."
Calum raised an eyebrow. "Don't make me take that as a challenge, buachaill deas," he answered, his voice husky.
Later, Jakob didn't even remember what the second movie they saw was.
13. on your arm
Jakob supposed that dating Calum came with perks, though he would never think of it that way. Everything that Calum gave him was precious, whether it was a cell phone or a book or clothes. He also became known as 'Calum Kilpatrick's boyfriend'. It wasn't something he had expected. Calum, to him, was Calum. The boy that saved Jakob from himself and made him happy. But to most other people, Calum was known more for his last name, and that came with perks too. With him, Jakob was able to go places and do things that he never thought he'd be able to do.
When the Delaneys were throwing some sort of party and invited all of the Kilpatricks, Calum invited Jakob before he took him shopping. Calum wouldn't let him see the price tag of the tuxedo that he bought for him, but the look in Calum's eyes when he walked out of the dressing room was enough to make Jakob forget about questions. He tried it on again when they went back to his house, and draped a white scarf he had over his shoulders before he found his glasses and put them on.
He had only meant to see what Calum thought of the outfit, for when the party actually happened. Calum kissed him hot and deep before Jakob could ask what he thought, and he could feel where Calum was hard against his thigh. The night of the party, Jakob stayed at Calum's house and let himself be tied up with the scarf he had worn.
11. sleeping together
Of course, even good couples had arguments. Theirs took a bit longer than most couples, or so Jakob assumed, but perhaps it was overdue. He was tired from a long night of studying, annoyed because of a difficult lab partner at school, and in what would be considered a bad mood for him. Calum seemed to have something else on his mind that was weighing his mood down, but didn't want to talk about it, which left Jakob baffled and somewhat hurt along with everything else. Calum had never refused to answer one of Jakob's questions before that.
They were on their way back to Calum's house after an evening walk when somebody bumped into Jakob. He thought nothing of it and was glad to let it go, but Calum stopped and said something that led to an argument that did nothing but embarrass Jakob, and he had to drag Calum away before it became a fight. They were mostly quiet the rest of the way home, the air between them negative and grey, but they were glad to argue once they were in Calum's room and behind closed doors.
Jakob usually loved Calum taking care of him, but sometimes he went overboard. Jakob was glad to let some bygones be bygones, but Calum was different, more so when he was in a foul mood. Most of the time, his protection made Jakob feel loved, but sometimes it made him feel weak, like maybe Calum thought he couldn't take care of himself.
It spiraled down from there. Jakob didn't leave, or sleep in the other bed in Calum's room, but it was the first time he could remember that they went to bed partially dressed and side by side instead of in each other's arms. When they lay in the dark and he was able to think the day through, the space between them bored a hole in Jakob's chest. The day had exhausted him though, so he soon fell into a fitful but dreamless sleep.
The next morning, he woke to find Calum pressed against his back and holding him close. Calum pressed a kiss against the back of his neck, and explained as much as he could. There would be things in his family that he wouldn't be allowed to talk about, not even to Jakob. He had to think about that for a minute; Calum was his Calum, but he was a Kilpatrick. Jakob was smart enough to know that that meant, but it was hard to combine that and the wonderful loving boy that had saved him.
He raised one of Calum's hands to his mouth and kissed the back of it. "I love you, Calum."
Calum pressed closer to him, his lips brushing over the skin of Jakob's shoulders as he answered. "I love you too, my Jakob. So much."
9. hearing your heartbeat
Jakob thought it was just a cough at first, maybe a cold since the weather was cooling down in time for Fall. But it never felt like a cold, and never seemed to get better. Eventually, Jakob stopped going to Calum's; he couldn't stand the embarrassment of constantly hacking up a lung around his parents and siblings, but Calum was always welcome at his house. When Jakob's parents finally made a doctor's appointment, after Jakob started coughing up things tinted with blood, he begged Calum to come with him. It wasn't something that Calum needed to think about, and Jakob couldn't be more grateful that both Calum and his mother were with him when the doctor said "tuberculosis."
Jakob barely heard anything else the doctor said for a few moments after that. He only clutched Calum's hand for dear life and tried not to calculate his chances of survival, especially once the doctor also said "drug-resistant." When the doctor brought up the subject of treatment, Calum spoke before his mother could even say they didn't have the money to afford it. He would find a way to pay for it, one way or another. He didn't say anything about having to support Jakob when they walked out of the doctor's office, and held him while he cried when they made it back to his house.
10. side by side
The doctors said that his treatment could take anywhere from three weeks to a month and a half to make him non-contagious. Just the idea of keeping people, and Calum, away for that long made him feel empty and sad, but the idea of getting anybody else sick terrified him. The idea of getting Calum sick made him watch to retch. So staying at home with just his parents for company until he was non-contagious was his only option.
He was used to having just his parents for company; he got along with them quite well, and he was glad to spend time with them. He and his father had a chess game going that had been lasting for two years, and they played chess on a Star Trek chess board when they weren't thinking about their next move on that. He and his mother rarely talked in English or German when it was just them. They talked in Greek or Latin, and Jakob was amused to be teaching her Irish as well.
But he was so used to Calum now, and even felt at home with his family. Liam made him a bit uncomfortable, but Cait was wonderful and Colleen was adorable, and the rest of Calum's brothers weren't bad at all. Their parents were even welcoming of him. Even so, Jakob was still amazed that they were paying for his treatment. He knew Calum loved him and Jakob adored his family, but he knew his treatment was expensive. He still couldn't imagine how Calum had convinced his parents to pay.
So once the medicines were prescribed and he had the vigorous schedule for taking them memorized, he went around his room and picked out a stack of books to start reading and and his notebooks in case new information or ideas stuck out in his mind. He also kept the notebooks that Calum had helped him make, a sort of Irish dictionary full of everything he had taught Jakob so far, and he asked his mother to buy him a few Irish language books the next time she was near a bookstore.
She not only came back with a few books on the subject, and a few books to help keep him sharp on Greek and Latin, but a new phone to help Calum keep in touch with Jakob. It had a slide-up screen and a full keyboard, and would let him check his email or talk to Calum through IM, or even look at websites.
"How can we afford this?" Jakob asked, looking at her in wonder.
His mother smiled. "There's more to treating sickness than medication. Don't worry about the money, liebling. Just focus on keeping your spirits up so you get better as fast as you can."
He was diagnosed as non-contagious within the inside of a month.
15. put your arms around me
It was still a few weeks after that before Calum and Jakob had sex again. He wasn't contagious, but Calum wanted to be cautious. He didn't want to be the reason Jakob started to cough. He surprised Jakob when he went with him to the doctor, to make sure the treatment was going well, by getting himself fully tested. Jakob had been fully tested before they started him on his medication regimen, and they knew that his tuberculosis hadn't spread to Calum already.
They took a walk to get a cup of coffee after one of his doctor's appointments, after finding out that Calum was healthy and that Jakob's treatment was going as well as the doctors could hope for. When they went back to his house and were in the privacy of Jakob's room, Calum kissed him softly and slowly undressed him. He went slow with everything, taking his time to trail soft touches and kisses over Jakob's body until he was quietly begging. It was their first time without a condom, and Jakob breathlessly held Calum close, staring into his eyes and whispering quiet nonsensical things that barely made sense to himself. Calum pressed his lips against Jakob's ear when he came, moaning how much he loved him, and Jakob thought he would never be sad again. Calum rested his weight on him while they caught their breath and Jakob wrapped his arms tight around Calum when he tried to pull away and pull out of him.
"Stay," he whispered. "Please stay."
"Forever, my Jakob."
3. proposal
The house that Calum had built for them was stunning. It had enough bedrooms for them to have guests or extend their family one day, and their bedroom was amazing. There was a skylight over the bathtub, and a flat area on the roof that was good for stargazing. Calum surprised him with a library and his own little secret room, and Jakob surprised him with all new equipment and supplies in his metal-working shop. They were happy together, working their way through university. Calum worked with his family at the same time, while Jakob studied for two majors at once.
Somewhere along the way, Jakob got a cat, and they got a dog together. They talked about a family, and names for children, and what else they might do in the future. Calum went to work for his family, and Jakob kept going to school for varying degrees. One day, Calum surprised Jakob with a ring that he made out of a meteoroid chunk in his metal-working shop, and the word "No" never crossed his mind.
12. walking in step
Jakob didn't care if their marriage was actually legal or not. He'd be ecstatic if it ever was, but he was glad to make the commitment to Calum anyway. Calum had joked that it would spoil his family's good name if he cared about it being legal.
It was a simple wedding, as simple as it could be considering the size of Calum's family, and when his family came from Germany. He didn't realize exactly how many aunts, uncles, and cousins he had that cared enough to see him get married until they all showed up. He knew that his mother was the oldest of nine and that his father was the second oldest of eight, and most of them had kids of their own, but he didn't think they would want to travel so far.
They walked down the aisle together because Jakob needed to grasp Calum's hand to keep going with so many people staring at them. He was so happy that he barely noticed anybody else as it was, and he was surprised that he was able to say his vows. After they said "I do" and Calum kissed him, Jakob knew for good that he had found his place in the universe.
4. a dozen roses
Their honeymoon involved a condo on a private beach in Tahiti. The sand and water were gorgeous, for what they got to see of it. Most days were spent christening the different areas of the condo, and most nights were spent on the beach, looking at the stars or swimming in the waves, before they would make their way back to the condo and make love again.
Their honeymoon lasted a few weeks. No matter how much sunscreen he wore, Jakob had a light sunburn across his cheeks and shoulders and Calum teased him, saying it was sexy. It looked like he was blushing all the time. Still, Calum was the one to carefully spread aloe lotion onto the worst parts of it. Even with the sunburn and sand sometimes in uncomfortable places, Jakob couldn't have asked for anything else. If he didn't miss their life Ireland so much, he would have never wanted to leave.
He was still happy to return to their home. Tahiti was wonderful, but it wasn't their house, or their bed, or their familiar spots. It didn't have their library, or their separate rooms, or their pets. It did have a lot of happy memories that he would never let go of for anything, but he was happy to be home. As long as he was with Calum, he was home.
6. dinner and a movie
Colleen was eighteen when the idea of children seriously came into their lives. They had talked about trying to adopt or going to America or Germany to surrogate. A few of his cousins had offered to surrogate multiple times, but Calum wanted the babies to biologically be Jakob's. His cousins obviously wouldn't work, and none of their other talks had never seriously gone anywhere. kids for them were always a very hopeful someday thing.
it was a few weeks past Colleen's birthday when she convinced Calum and Jakob to take her to see a movie and then out to dinner. It was almost novel for Jakob to go to a movie with Calum and actually watch the movie, but Colleen was with them. They all might have gotten along, but they certainly weren't that level of comfortable with each other. They went out to eat after, and Colleen brought up the topic of children after they had ordered.
"Are you going to have kids soon?" she asked, taking a sip of her water. "Almost everyone else has you beat, Calum."
"Science hasn't quite processed far enough for me to get Jakob pregnant just yet," he dryly answered. "Why do you ask?"
"Because you've been together thirteen years." Hearing someone else say the number made a surge of affection go through Jakob, and he squeezed Calum's hand under the table. "You should have babies, plural, running around by now."
"I wouldn't mind that," Jakob put in. "We just haven't found anyone that we trust enough that we feel we could ask."
"I'll do it." Colleen said it so simply that Jakob nearly choked on his water. "I'm serious. You're both my family, and everyone that I've bothered to ask wants to see you have children."
He squeezed Calum's hand tighter. "That's a serious offer, Colleen," Calum said after a silent, shocked moment. "You're still young. Are you sure being a surrogate and carrying a child for nine months is what you want?"
"Well, it's not what I planned when I was little, and I want to have kids of my own someday. Besides, it's not like I'll never see the baby after that. I'll be its aunt."
Jakob moved seats to hug Colleen tightly. "I don't know how to thank you for that offer. If you're absolutely serious, I won't mind you being our surrogate at all. I just want to make sure this is something you're sure about."
She was sure. His and Calum's first child, their daughter, was named Sofia. A few years later, they had a son that they named Doyle.
14. flowers and chocolates
Calum had a habit of basing his presents for each anniversary on what each anniversary meant. Most of them were things to go into the lab that they eventually built into the house for Jakob. For their 28th anniversary, Calum started the presents by covering Jakob's desk in orchids. He knew what they stood for: love, luxury, beauty, and strength. Jakob would have beamed the rest of the day with just the orchids. He thought they fit their relationship perfectly, and he would have never thought that his life could have ended up being so amazing.
8. you and I
Their love didn't change as they grew older. Jakob lived to please Calum, and Calum loved to spoil Jakob. They had their house, and their life, and their wonderful children. And sometimes, they acted like the horribly in love teenagers they still basically were. A few things were different; they each had tattoos they loved to trace over, and Jakob had his tongue pierced. Calum would surprise Jakob with things like three night visits to observatories in Hawaii, and Jakob would constantly find new ways to thank him, both in normal and sexual ways.
They had a few arguments here and there, but never over anything very serious. They were usually fine again in a few hours once they had a chance to cool down and talk. Overall, in Jakob's mind, their life was perfect.
Calum caught him staring while they were in the library one day. "What is it, buachaill deas?"
He thought of how Calum saved him from himself at a party long ago, and then again from Sean's ghost, and again when he became sick. He thought of how even when his lungs felt weak, he loved Calum so much that he thought his heart might burst into stars. He thought of their life through university and raising their children and everything else in between, and eventually smiled softly.
"Is breá liom tú, mo deo."
Colors: Blush
Styles/Supplies: Saturation, Eraser (OTP AU), Mosaic, Collage, Portrait, Pastels (Card 1, B2: making up), Modeling Clay, Yarn, Beading Wire, Glitter, Chalk, Seed Beads, Oils
Story: Phase and Polyfaceted; the title of this is 'Look At The Stars, Look How They Shine For You.'
Summary: Calum and Jakob's life together.
Word Count: 5,325
Rating: PG-13
Notes: This is basically an AU where Jakob had a drunken non-one-night-stand with Calum instead of Oz. The story of Sean is told better here. Thanks so much to Kelly for helping me with a few Calum pointers and beta-reading/editing.
1. soft kisses
Jakob didn't sleep with Calum again immediately. It wasn't that he didn't want to; he did, quite a lot. They did nearly everything but, and Jakob was sure to stay within touching distance of Calum when he could. He was happy to just be held and kissed, though he didn't complain about anything else, and Calum never pushed for anything more. It was simply... difficult to associate actual intercourse with anything other than pain, and Sean always poisoned the very edge of his thoughts. It was easy to block out and forget when he was drunk, but that wasn't something he wanted to make a habit of.
It wasn't until a few hours before he had to go home that he was actually able to bring it up with an embarrassed, halting question that Calum understood. Calum always understood. He went slow and Jakob didn't ask him to stop, only kissed him deeply while he clung to him. It was wonderful and perfect, and made Jakob realize exactly how bad Sean had treated him.
He tried to shove that away, but it stuck fast. He didn't sob but Calum felt him shake, and Jakob didn't have a chance to dry his eyes before Calum pulled back to look at him.
"Jakob, what's wrong?" he asked, running a hand up Jakob's arm. "Did I hurt you?"
He shook his head, unable to look at him. "No," and he hated how relieved and pathetic and weak his voice sounded, "you didn't."
Even without looking at Calum, Jakob knew that only raised more questions than it answered. "I would never," Calum answered. His voice was gentle, but firm.
Jakob believed him and nodded, but it didn't make him look at Calum or make him stop crying. Still, he didn't fight when Calum lay back down and gathered him in his arms. He was indescribably grateful that Calum waited for him to calm down before he spoke again.
"Do you want to talk about it, pretty boy?" Calum murmured into his hair.
He didn't immediately answer. He didn't honestly know. Sean shook him, hurt him without even being able to touch him in the end, and used him completely. He didn't know if he wanted to tell Calum; he didn't know how Calum would react, and Jakob didn't know if he could deal with the same disgusted look showing on Calum's face that was always on Sean's when he was done with him.
"There was someone before you," he finally said in a small voice. He kept his gaze on Calum's shoulder. "It was after I moved here. He was nice at first." He said it like it might make him less stupid for getting into the situation in the first place. "But then he... I told him... what I thought I might like."
Calum slowly trailed a hand up and down up and down his spine. "Did he listen?" he asked, his voice soft.
Jakob hesitantly shook his head. "He would... He pulled my hair too hard." He tried to keep his voice steady; the words almost seemed like they came from somebody else. "And he would push my head down. He got mad if I couldn't, or if I messed up." He shrank into himself when Calum tensed, but minutely relaxed when Calum only held him closer and pressed a kiss against his forehead. Jakob's gaze never left Calum's shoulder. "And after, we would... he would just put on a condom. If I tried to-- he would just push me back down--"
Something in Calum changed. Jakob fearfully glanced up and found him staring fire at the wall; he didn't mean to, but he flinched away. Calum looked down, the look on his face changing, but Jakob spoke before he could.
"I'm sorry." He looked back down at Calum's shoulder. "I made you mad. I'm sorry."
"Jakob." Calum cupped his cheek and tilted his face up, until Jakob would look him in the eye. "I am not mad at you. I'm not. I am upset, but only because I don't like the fact that somebody did that to you."
He only shook his head. "I shouldn't have said anything."
Calum kissed him softly. "I'm glad you did. I'm sorry it happened. You don't deserve anything like that, pretty boy."
The words almost confused him and Jakob couldn't stop the small sob that escaped. "Why are you so nice to me?"
"I like you, quite a lot." He ran his fingers through Jakob's hair and caught his gaze again. "If we're together much longer, I think I'll love you." Jakob's eyes widened but Calum kissed him swiftly before he could say anything. "And as a rule, I'm nice to the boys I sleep with. It's wrong to be cruel to them."
Jakob pressed his face into Calum's shoulder to keep himself from saying anything foolish. Calum wrapped his arms around him and pressed another kiss into his hair.
"Can we keep doing this until I have to go home?" he asked quietly against Calum's skin after a few long moments.
"Of course, buachaill deas." There was a pause before Calum continued. "If it's all right to ask, what was his name?"
Jakob didn't have to ask who he was talking about. "Sean. Sean Cavanaugh."
5. hand in hand
Jakob was nervous to sleep that night, alone at home in his own bed. He had nightmares almost every night, involving Sean, or just bad memories and pain. He hadn't had them the last few nights, but Calum had been with him and he had felt safe. Even with his worries, sleep came easy.
He dreamed about Calum. In the way dreams were, it was a bit out of focus and jumped around, but Jakob was smiling when he woke up. He remembered the weight of Calum safely weighing him down and lightly pinning his hands on either side of his head. They held hands, their fingers intertwined, and Jakob saw a million shooting stars in Calum's smile.
He would wait for Calum to say it first, but Jakob knew he loved him.
7. sweet nothings
School the next day was mostly the same. He went to class and paid attention and took enough notes to make his notebook pages look almost soaked in ink. Except that occasionally, his train of thought would go to Calum, and he'd find himself daydreaming. Jakob couldn't remember the last time he hadn't paid full attention in class, but it didn't bother him like it usually did. The end of the day came without a problem, and he called Calum once he made it home to invite him over.
He was embarrassed about his room at first. It was maybe half the size of Calum's, with a full-sized bed that had cabinets in the headboards shoved into one corner. The stairs down into the basement-room took up most of one wall, while the rest of the walls were lined with bookshelves and storage that held every scientific thing Jakob had brought with him from Germany. A few simple posters lined what free space was on his walls: a picture of the 1919 full eclipse, a quote in German about Einstein's theory of relativity, and a diagram showing the size differences between the planets and their moons. A door on the wall opposite the bed led to a small private bath, and there was a low table in the middle of the room that had open books and notebooks covering it, with pillows set around it for seats. Jakob tidied up what he was able to, but he was still worried about what Calum might think. His house was small, but his family did their best to make it a cozy, happy home.
Calum didn't seem to blink at the differences between their houses. Jakob didn't possibly know what he had done to find someone so wonderful, especially when Calum led him to the bed.
It wasn't until halfway through the school week that Jakob finally realized what was different about life, other than his excellent turn-around when it came to relationships. He hadn't seen Sean at school for days. It wasn't until he heard people whispering about how nobody had seen him that Jakob even noticed. He was considered a missing person, and his friends and group seemed to be worried. The worry and rumors spread through the school, but seemed to avoid Jakob. Most people didn't talk to him after Sean was done with him, anyway. Now that Sean was gone, he was somehow even more invisible to his peers.
Except to Calum. Calum was able to tell that something was bothering him, and Jakob only hesitated to get his thoughts straight before he answered.
"I know he hurt me. And I know he's a bad person. But shouldn't I still feel bad that someone is missing?" Jakob shrugged, confused. "He's human. He's our age. Everyone else seems to be so worried, and I'm just... glad. It's been so peaceful at school." He flushed with shame, lowering his eyes. "I must sound so awful. I'm sorry."
Calum kissed him softly. "You don't. And you aren't. People can worry about him all they want, pretty boy. It obviously means they don't know him. I don't think anyone would expect you to worry about it. I certainly wouldn't blame you for being less than upset." Jakob managed to meet Calum's smile with a small one of his own. "He has enough people to worry about him, love. There's no need for him to be haunting your mind anymore."
Jakob knew that made sense. He moved closer to Calum, snuggling against his side, and sighed against his neck. "You've mostly been the only thing on my mind. I've been worried about writing something embarrassing on an assignment."
Calum laughed. "What sort of things have you been thinking about?"
He flushed again. "Everything. Happy things. If we're both there, even in my mind, we're usually happy." His eyes fluttered shut when Calum kissed him again. "You make me happy. I don't know how to thank you for that."
"You make me happy too, beautiful." Calum ran a hand through his hair, a smirk curling at the corners of his lips. "And I'd love to give you a few ideas if you'd like them."
"Well," he softly answered, reddening more, "I do trust you. Whatever you'd like, I'd be very happy to give you."
"Oh, Jakob." Calum's smiled wider. "You are the only one who could say that and have it be sweet instead of incredibly filthy."
He laughed quietly. "I do try."
2. first date
Their first actual date wasn't until about two weeks after they met. They spent some afternoons and evenings together during the week, and usually one of them stayed at the other's house on the weekend. Jakob was staying with Calum when they decided to go out and see a movie. He blushed when Calum kept an arm wrapped around him and pushed closer to him while they waited in line.
They bought tickets for Spider-Man because Jakob was more of a Star Trek fan than he was a Star Wars fan, but he couldn't recall much of the movie when it was over. Calum had led them to seats near the back of the theater and kissed him as soon as the lights went down. Jakob never thought about pulling away.
The theater had a cafe inside that they went to when the movie was done. Calum took his coffee black, but Jakob put enough cream and sugar in his to turn it the color of sand. "I liked the movie," he shyly offered, after they had sit. "What we saw of it."
"I liked the other parts," Calum dryly said. "Should we head home after this?"
He chewed thoughtfully on his bottom lip before he checked the time. It wasn't too late... Jakob smiled in what he hoped was a teasing way. "We can see another movie."
"Well, if we aren't going to be paying attention, we can go see Star Wars."
He wrinkled his nose, though laughter was in his voice. "I'm not even sure if you could keep me in the mood through Star Wars."
Calum raised an eyebrow. "Don't make me take that as a challenge, buachaill deas," he answered, his voice husky.
Later, Jakob didn't even remember what the second movie they saw was.
13. on your arm
Jakob supposed that dating Calum came with perks, though he would never think of it that way. Everything that Calum gave him was precious, whether it was a cell phone or a book or clothes. He also became known as 'Calum Kilpatrick's boyfriend'. It wasn't something he had expected. Calum, to him, was Calum. The boy that saved Jakob from himself and made him happy. But to most other people, Calum was known more for his last name, and that came with perks too. With him, Jakob was able to go places and do things that he never thought he'd be able to do.
When the Delaneys were throwing some sort of party and invited all of the Kilpatricks, Calum invited Jakob before he took him shopping. Calum wouldn't let him see the price tag of the tuxedo that he bought for him, but the look in Calum's eyes when he walked out of the dressing room was enough to make Jakob forget about questions. He tried it on again when they went back to his house, and draped a white scarf he had over his shoulders before he found his glasses and put them on.
He had only meant to see what Calum thought of the outfit, for when the party actually happened. Calum kissed him hot and deep before Jakob could ask what he thought, and he could feel where Calum was hard against his thigh. The night of the party, Jakob stayed at Calum's house and let himself be tied up with the scarf he had worn.
11. sleeping together
Of course, even good couples had arguments. Theirs took a bit longer than most couples, or so Jakob assumed, but perhaps it was overdue. He was tired from a long night of studying, annoyed because of a difficult lab partner at school, and in what would be considered a bad mood for him. Calum seemed to have something else on his mind that was weighing his mood down, but didn't want to talk about it, which left Jakob baffled and somewhat hurt along with everything else. Calum had never refused to answer one of Jakob's questions before that.
They were on their way back to Calum's house after an evening walk when somebody bumped into Jakob. He thought nothing of it and was glad to let it go, but Calum stopped and said something that led to an argument that did nothing but embarrass Jakob, and he had to drag Calum away before it became a fight. They were mostly quiet the rest of the way home, the air between them negative and grey, but they were glad to argue once they were in Calum's room and behind closed doors.
Jakob usually loved Calum taking care of him, but sometimes he went overboard. Jakob was glad to let some bygones be bygones, but Calum was different, more so when he was in a foul mood. Most of the time, his protection made Jakob feel loved, but sometimes it made him feel weak, like maybe Calum thought he couldn't take care of himself.
It spiraled down from there. Jakob didn't leave, or sleep in the other bed in Calum's room, but it was the first time he could remember that they went to bed partially dressed and side by side instead of in each other's arms. When they lay in the dark and he was able to think the day through, the space between them bored a hole in Jakob's chest. The day had exhausted him though, so he soon fell into a fitful but dreamless sleep.
The next morning, he woke to find Calum pressed against his back and holding him close. Calum pressed a kiss against the back of his neck, and explained as much as he could. There would be things in his family that he wouldn't be allowed to talk about, not even to Jakob. He had to think about that for a minute; Calum was his Calum, but he was a Kilpatrick. Jakob was smart enough to know that that meant, but it was hard to combine that and the wonderful loving boy that had saved him.
He raised one of Calum's hands to his mouth and kissed the back of it. "I love you, Calum."
Calum pressed closer to him, his lips brushing over the skin of Jakob's shoulders as he answered. "I love you too, my Jakob. So much."
9. hearing your heartbeat
Jakob thought it was just a cough at first, maybe a cold since the weather was cooling down in time for Fall. But it never felt like a cold, and never seemed to get better. Eventually, Jakob stopped going to Calum's; he couldn't stand the embarrassment of constantly hacking up a lung around his parents and siblings, but Calum was always welcome at his house. When Jakob's parents finally made a doctor's appointment, after Jakob started coughing up things tinted with blood, he begged Calum to come with him. It wasn't something that Calum needed to think about, and Jakob couldn't be more grateful that both Calum and his mother were with him when the doctor said "tuberculosis."
Jakob barely heard anything else the doctor said for a few moments after that. He only clutched Calum's hand for dear life and tried not to calculate his chances of survival, especially once the doctor also said "drug-resistant." When the doctor brought up the subject of treatment, Calum spoke before his mother could even say they didn't have the money to afford it. He would find a way to pay for it, one way or another. He didn't say anything about having to support Jakob when they walked out of the doctor's office, and held him while he cried when they made it back to his house.
10. side by side
The doctors said that his treatment could take anywhere from three weeks to a month and a half to make him non-contagious. Just the idea of keeping people, and Calum, away for that long made him feel empty and sad, but the idea of getting anybody else sick terrified him. The idea of getting Calum sick made him watch to retch. So staying at home with just his parents for company until he was non-contagious was his only option.
He was used to having just his parents for company; he got along with them quite well, and he was glad to spend time with them. He and his father had a chess game going that had been lasting for two years, and they played chess on a Star Trek chess board when they weren't thinking about their next move on that. He and his mother rarely talked in English or German when it was just them. They talked in Greek or Latin, and Jakob was amused to be teaching her Irish as well.
But he was so used to Calum now, and even felt at home with his family. Liam made him a bit uncomfortable, but Cait was wonderful and Colleen was adorable, and the rest of Calum's brothers weren't bad at all. Their parents were even welcoming of him. Even so, Jakob was still amazed that they were paying for his treatment. He knew Calum loved him and Jakob adored his family, but he knew his treatment was expensive. He still couldn't imagine how Calum had convinced his parents to pay.
So once the medicines were prescribed and he had the vigorous schedule for taking them memorized, he went around his room and picked out a stack of books to start reading and and his notebooks in case new information or ideas stuck out in his mind. He also kept the notebooks that Calum had helped him make, a sort of Irish dictionary full of everything he had taught Jakob so far, and he asked his mother to buy him a few Irish language books the next time she was near a bookstore.
She not only came back with a few books on the subject, and a few books to help keep him sharp on Greek and Latin, but a new phone to help Calum keep in touch with Jakob. It had a slide-up screen and a full keyboard, and would let him check his email or talk to Calum through IM, or even look at websites.
"How can we afford this?" Jakob asked, looking at her in wonder.
His mother smiled. "There's more to treating sickness than medication. Don't worry about the money, liebling. Just focus on keeping your spirits up so you get better as fast as you can."
He was diagnosed as non-contagious within the inside of a month.
15. put your arms around me
It was still a few weeks after that before Calum and Jakob had sex again. He wasn't contagious, but Calum wanted to be cautious. He didn't want to be the reason Jakob started to cough. He surprised Jakob when he went with him to the doctor, to make sure the treatment was going well, by getting himself fully tested. Jakob had been fully tested before they started him on his medication regimen, and they knew that his tuberculosis hadn't spread to Calum already.
They took a walk to get a cup of coffee after one of his doctor's appointments, after finding out that Calum was healthy and that Jakob's treatment was going as well as the doctors could hope for. When they went back to his house and were in the privacy of Jakob's room, Calum kissed him softly and slowly undressed him. He went slow with everything, taking his time to trail soft touches and kisses over Jakob's body until he was quietly begging. It was their first time without a condom, and Jakob breathlessly held Calum close, staring into his eyes and whispering quiet nonsensical things that barely made sense to himself. Calum pressed his lips against Jakob's ear when he came, moaning how much he loved him, and Jakob thought he would never be sad again. Calum rested his weight on him while they caught their breath and Jakob wrapped his arms tight around Calum when he tried to pull away and pull out of him.
"Stay," he whispered. "Please stay."
"Forever, my Jakob."
3. proposal
The house that Calum had built for them was stunning. It had enough bedrooms for them to have guests or extend their family one day, and their bedroom was amazing. There was a skylight over the bathtub, and a flat area on the roof that was good for stargazing. Calum surprised him with a library and his own little secret room, and Jakob surprised him with all new equipment and supplies in his metal-working shop. They were happy together, working their way through university. Calum worked with his family at the same time, while Jakob studied for two majors at once.
Somewhere along the way, Jakob got a cat, and they got a dog together. They talked about a family, and names for children, and what else they might do in the future. Calum went to work for his family, and Jakob kept going to school for varying degrees. One day, Calum surprised Jakob with a ring that he made out of a meteoroid chunk in his metal-working shop, and the word "No" never crossed his mind.
12. walking in step
Jakob didn't care if their marriage was actually legal or not. He'd be ecstatic if it ever was, but he was glad to make the commitment to Calum anyway. Calum had joked that it would spoil his family's good name if he cared about it being legal.
It was a simple wedding, as simple as it could be considering the size of Calum's family, and when his family came from Germany. He didn't realize exactly how many aunts, uncles, and cousins he had that cared enough to see him get married until they all showed up. He knew that his mother was the oldest of nine and that his father was the second oldest of eight, and most of them had kids of their own, but he didn't think they would want to travel so far.
They walked down the aisle together because Jakob needed to grasp Calum's hand to keep going with so many people staring at them. He was so happy that he barely noticed anybody else as it was, and he was surprised that he was able to say his vows. After they said "I do" and Calum kissed him, Jakob knew for good that he had found his place in the universe.
4. a dozen roses
Their honeymoon involved a condo on a private beach in Tahiti. The sand and water were gorgeous, for what they got to see of it. Most days were spent christening the different areas of the condo, and most nights were spent on the beach, looking at the stars or swimming in the waves, before they would make their way back to the condo and make love again.
Their honeymoon lasted a few weeks. No matter how much sunscreen he wore, Jakob had a light sunburn across his cheeks and shoulders and Calum teased him, saying it was sexy. It looked like he was blushing all the time. Still, Calum was the one to carefully spread aloe lotion onto the worst parts of it. Even with the sunburn and sand sometimes in uncomfortable places, Jakob couldn't have asked for anything else. If he didn't miss their life Ireland so much, he would have never wanted to leave.
He was still happy to return to their home. Tahiti was wonderful, but it wasn't their house, or their bed, or their familiar spots. It didn't have their library, or their separate rooms, or their pets. It did have a lot of happy memories that he would never let go of for anything, but he was happy to be home. As long as he was with Calum, he was home.
6. dinner and a movie
Colleen was eighteen when the idea of children seriously came into their lives. They had talked about trying to adopt or going to America or Germany to surrogate. A few of his cousins had offered to surrogate multiple times, but Calum wanted the babies to biologically be Jakob's. His cousins obviously wouldn't work, and none of their other talks had never seriously gone anywhere. kids for them were always a very hopeful someday thing.
it was a few weeks past Colleen's birthday when she convinced Calum and Jakob to take her to see a movie and then out to dinner. It was almost novel for Jakob to go to a movie with Calum and actually watch the movie, but Colleen was with them. They all might have gotten along, but they certainly weren't that level of comfortable with each other. They went out to eat after, and Colleen brought up the topic of children after they had ordered.
"Are you going to have kids soon?" she asked, taking a sip of her water. "Almost everyone else has you beat, Calum."
"Science hasn't quite processed far enough for me to get Jakob pregnant just yet," he dryly answered. "Why do you ask?"
"Because you've been together thirteen years." Hearing someone else say the number made a surge of affection go through Jakob, and he squeezed Calum's hand under the table. "You should have babies, plural, running around by now."
"I wouldn't mind that," Jakob put in. "We just haven't found anyone that we trust enough that we feel we could ask."
"I'll do it." Colleen said it so simply that Jakob nearly choked on his water. "I'm serious. You're both my family, and everyone that I've bothered to ask wants to see you have children."
He squeezed Calum's hand tighter. "That's a serious offer, Colleen," Calum said after a silent, shocked moment. "You're still young. Are you sure being a surrogate and carrying a child for nine months is what you want?"
"Well, it's not what I planned when I was little, and I want to have kids of my own someday. Besides, it's not like I'll never see the baby after that. I'll be its aunt."
Jakob moved seats to hug Colleen tightly. "I don't know how to thank you for that offer. If you're absolutely serious, I won't mind you being our surrogate at all. I just want to make sure this is something you're sure about."
She was sure. His and Calum's first child, their daughter, was named Sofia. A few years later, they had a son that they named Doyle.
14. flowers and chocolates
Calum had a habit of basing his presents for each anniversary on what each anniversary meant. Most of them were things to go into the lab that they eventually built into the house for Jakob. For their 28th anniversary, Calum started the presents by covering Jakob's desk in orchids. He knew what they stood for: love, luxury, beauty, and strength. Jakob would have beamed the rest of the day with just the orchids. He thought they fit their relationship perfectly, and he would have never thought that his life could have ended up being so amazing.
8. you and I
Their love didn't change as they grew older. Jakob lived to please Calum, and Calum loved to spoil Jakob. They had their house, and their life, and their wonderful children. And sometimes, they acted like the horribly in love teenagers they still basically were. A few things were different; they each had tattoos they loved to trace over, and Jakob had his tongue pierced. Calum would surprise Jakob with things like three night visits to observatories in Hawaii, and Jakob would constantly find new ways to thank him, both in normal and sexual ways.
They had a few arguments here and there, but never over anything very serious. They were usually fine again in a few hours once they had a chance to cool down and talk. Overall, in Jakob's mind, their life was perfect.
Calum caught him staring while they were in the library one day. "What is it, buachaill deas?"
He thought of how Calum saved him from himself at a party long ago, and then again from Sean's ghost, and again when he became sick. He thought of how even when his lungs felt weak, he loved Calum so much that he thought his heart might burst into stars. He thought of their life through university and raising their children and everything else in between, and eventually smiled softly.
"Is breá liom tú, mo deo."
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Thanks for reading! <3
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