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rainbowfic2023-10-09 10:02 pm
ilthit) wrote in rainbowfic2023-10-09 10:02 pm
Blue Caravan #5, Cloudy Gray #2: Pinprick Light (Lin Moniao Series)
Name: Pinprick Light
Story: Lin Moniao Series (AO3 link)
Colors: Blue Caravan #5 (It's better late than the never we've been told before), Cloudy Gray #2 (carry).
Supplies and Styles: brush ("juncture"), gesso, modeling clay (grieving), graffiti (September Secrets)
Word Count: 849
Rating: teen
Warnings: Self-destructive thoughts, implication of past suicide, parental neglect (of a teenager), mention of past sexual and emotional abuse.
Also contains: Whump, fear of death, dishonest relationships, grief, preparing for attack.
Summary: It is the night before battle, and after Shen Shanwei made a terrible confession. Now, in the darkness, he seeks comfort and absolution from someone who is no longer there.
Note: It does rather seem like I am using Rainbowfic to dump all my excess Shen Shanwei thoughts that would have crowded the actual story too much. This may not make much sense without context.
*
It's the night before battle. They all know it--the God has said so, the sect leader is sure of it. The Illustrious Qilin Villa is quiet, all lights out, giving the spies on the far-off shore nothing to go on.
The lake surface is smooth like a black mirror. The sky above, too, is starless, heavy clouds hanging above, the promise of thunder in the air.
So many of their youngest members have been evacuated to Anqing and to their families that Shen Shanwei could easily find a bed in one of the juniors' rooms. He doesn't have to be sneaking around dark hallways or on eerily empty yards just because his new wife has kicked him out of their rooms, but neither can he imagine going to sleep, with all the thoughts churning in his head.
There are guards hidden along the walls, of course, but they are looking out, not in. Shen Shanwei moves stealthily through the back yard, moving from shadow to shadow, and slips into the shrine.
It takes a while for his eyes to adjust enough to at least roughly see the placement of the tiered shelves holding the memorial plaques, listing the names of past sect members, the leaders and the God's vessels in the center, and from there in descending order through the masters to the accomplished elder brothers, and then everyone else.
No one could spot a tiny bit of light in here, could they? So he strikes a small flame. He fumbles for incense, always kept ready in its drawer under the shelves, and transfers the flame to a stick.
The light is almost out by the time he finds the name he is looking for, though he has been here before, and knew where to look. Satisfied, he sets the incense down on a plate before it, puts his hands together, and bows, first to all of those gathered, and then to shixiong.
Then he sits with his hands in his lap, staring at the plaque he can't even read.
"I should be sleeping," he murmurs. "They will need me tomorrow."
The plaque doesn't answer, but Shen Shanwei feels bolstered anyway. He hangs his head and blows out a long breath. "Shixiong, I wish you were here. You--" And just so, all of a sudden, his eyes are burning. "You-- did what you thought was right. I also did what I thought was right. I understand now. Sometimes there is no choice. I just--" His breath catches, he blinks; the tears are escaping.
Shen Shanwei doesn't cry. Typically.
Except that time when Yu-shixiong had coaxed him so gently that night over their game of weiqi, and just like with Madame Zhu, everything had come spilling out; but even Madame Zhu had not made him--
Yu-shixiong had felt safe enough to collapse on.
"You carried your prophecy... all that... knowing that... all alone, and you were still kind to everyone. How could you-- I didn't know. I didn't think that you could need me."
He wipes his eyes and his nose on his sleeve angrily. The anger makes it a little easier. He draws a breath and steels himself. "I did the right thing then, and I did the right thing telling her. Why is the right thing sometimes also--"
There is no answer. Why even finish asking.
"Her own father threw her out," he starts again, "when she was sixteen. She begged and begged, and still he turned his back. She accepted no-one else's help, and knelt at his gate until she passed out. She doesn't even remember how she ended up in the market square where Master Gao found her."
He stops, swallowing. The dead don't need to hear these things. He is here to confess, and yet all he does is explain and shore up excuses.
"I did it for her, because she worshipped him and he abused her," Shen Shanwei goes stubbornly on. "Which sounds very fine, but in the end, it is still the case that I killed the man she looked to for absolution, which she can never have now in any form that she will accept. I killed the father of her child, and I have been lying to her about it for months. I was still lying to her when I married her.
"Maybe she will forgive me. Maybe she won't, and will send me to join you soon. Either way, it's done." He reaches out until his fingers touch cool stone. "Shixiong, I tried. Do you believe me?"
The Villa isn't entirely quiet. There are footsteps, movement in the shadows of the hall. He whips his head around to look, and then stays still as a mouse, until they are gone. It won't be anyone from outside the Villa; probably lovers or friends sneaking into each others room to share a bottle of something illicit. That doesn't mean he wants to be discovered.
"...That's all I wanted to say, shixiong," he finishes in a whisper, getting up cautiously. "I hope I find you in the next life."
Story: Lin Moniao Series (AO3 link)
Colors: Blue Caravan #5 (It's better late than the never we've been told before), Cloudy Gray #2 (carry).
Supplies and Styles: brush ("juncture"), gesso, modeling clay (grieving), graffiti (September Secrets)
Word Count: 849
Rating: teen
Warnings: Self-destructive thoughts, implication of past suicide, parental neglect (of a teenager), mention of past sexual and emotional abuse.
Also contains: Whump, fear of death, dishonest relationships, grief, preparing for attack.
Summary: It is the night before battle, and after Shen Shanwei made a terrible confession. Now, in the darkness, he seeks comfort and absolution from someone who is no longer there.
Note: It does rather seem like I am using Rainbowfic to dump all my excess Shen Shanwei thoughts that would have crowded the actual story too much. This may not make much sense without context.
*
It's the night before battle. They all know it--the God has said so, the sect leader is sure of it. The Illustrious Qilin Villa is quiet, all lights out, giving the spies on the far-off shore nothing to go on.
The lake surface is smooth like a black mirror. The sky above, too, is starless, heavy clouds hanging above, the promise of thunder in the air.
So many of their youngest members have been evacuated to Anqing and to their families that Shen Shanwei could easily find a bed in one of the juniors' rooms. He doesn't have to be sneaking around dark hallways or on eerily empty yards just because his new wife has kicked him out of their rooms, but neither can he imagine going to sleep, with all the thoughts churning in his head.
There are guards hidden along the walls, of course, but they are looking out, not in. Shen Shanwei moves stealthily through the back yard, moving from shadow to shadow, and slips into the shrine.
It takes a while for his eyes to adjust enough to at least roughly see the placement of the tiered shelves holding the memorial plaques, listing the names of past sect members, the leaders and the God's vessels in the center, and from there in descending order through the masters to the accomplished elder brothers, and then everyone else.
No one could spot a tiny bit of light in here, could they? So he strikes a small flame. He fumbles for incense, always kept ready in its drawer under the shelves, and transfers the flame to a stick.
The light is almost out by the time he finds the name he is looking for, though he has been here before, and knew where to look. Satisfied, he sets the incense down on a plate before it, puts his hands together, and bows, first to all of those gathered, and then to shixiong.
Then he sits with his hands in his lap, staring at the plaque he can't even read.
"I should be sleeping," he murmurs. "They will need me tomorrow."
The plaque doesn't answer, but Shen Shanwei feels bolstered anyway. He hangs his head and blows out a long breath. "Shixiong, I wish you were here. You--" And just so, all of a sudden, his eyes are burning. "You-- did what you thought was right. I also did what I thought was right. I understand now. Sometimes there is no choice. I just--" His breath catches, he blinks; the tears are escaping.
Shen Shanwei doesn't cry. Typically.
Except that time when Yu-shixiong had coaxed him so gently that night over their game of weiqi, and just like with Madame Zhu, everything had come spilling out; but even Madame Zhu had not made him--
Yu-shixiong had felt safe enough to collapse on.
"You carried your prophecy... all that... knowing that... all alone, and you were still kind to everyone. How could you-- I didn't know. I didn't think that you could need me."
He wipes his eyes and his nose on his sleeve angrily. The anger makes it a little easier. He draws a breath and steels himself. "I did the right thing then, and I did the right thing telling her. Why is the right thing sometimes also--"
There is no answer. Why even finish asking.
"Her own father threw her out," he starts again, "when she was sixteen. She begged and begged, and still he turned his back. She accepted no-one else's help, and knelt at his gate until she passed out. She doesn't even remember how she ended up in the market square where Master Gao found her."
He stops, swallowing. The dead don't need to hear these things. He is here to confess, and yet all he does is explain and shore up excuses.
"I did it for her, because she worshipped him and he abused her," Shen Shanwei goes stubbornly on. "Which sounds very fine, but in the end, it is still the case that I killed the man she looked to for absolution, which she can never have now in any form that she will accept. I killed the father of her child, and I have been lying to her about it for months. I was still lying to her when I married her.
"Maybe she will forgive me. Maybe she won't, and will send me to join you soon. Either way, it's done." He reaches out until his fingers touch cool stone. "Shixiong, I tried. Do you believe me?"
The Villa isn't entirely quiet. There are footsteps, movement in the shadows of the hall. He whips his head around to look, and then stays still as a mouse, until they are gone. It won't be anyone from outside the Villa; probably lovers or friends sneaking into each others room to share a bottle of something illicit. That doesn't mean he wants to be discovered.
"...That's all I wanted to say, shixiong," he finishes in a whisper, getting up cautiously. "I hope I find you in the next life."
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Also, that's what Rainbowfic is for. :)
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I'm grateful for Rainbowfic for being here for me to dump these things on. :D
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1. gender
2. Bonding
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