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rainbowfic2016-08-18 09:12 am
starphotographs) wrote in rainbowfic2016-08-18 09:12 am
Meme Party 26, Olympic Gold 3
Name: starphotographs
Story: Corwin and Friends
Supplies and Styles: Graffiti (Lilith Fair Aug 18th Main Stage: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/purplepeople.html), Miniature Collection
Characters: Spenser (POV), Maria
Colors: Meme party 26 (I Accidentally), Olympic Gold 3 (gold)
Word Count: 1,200ish
Rating: R?
Warnings: Choose not to warn.
Summary: Spenser mourns a lost love that wasn’t.
Note: I like Maria a lot and want to get a good handle on her so I can maybe write some of her icky organ adventures. :P
How it Ends
The first time I felt like we might not really be on the same page was when Maria told me that, maybe, I shouldn't call her at work. Logically, I understood. We probably weren't really supposed to be doing what we were doing, and she didn't want them to know.
The problem was, rationality wasn't really my strong point right then It was the first time I'd gone out breaking windows. My heart was racing, and my teeth were chattering in the cold, and I needed a familiar voice.
Though, looking back, I really should have explained.
*****
Please look me in the eye. I hate everything about this job but you. You made me feel like a real fucking person, like maybe someone wanted to be around me, wanted to get to know me on my own merits. Like maybe Ihad merits.
I mean, I understand. I'll never talk to you again if you don't talk first. But we still see each other almost every day.
Knowing what I know about the way it always was, I don't want you to take me back. We weren't what we wanted.
Just please confirm that I'm really here.
*****
The first time I thought I might be wrong, we were eating three AM breakfast at that shitty old diner.
I upended the salt shaker and separated the salt from the rice, because that always kind of bothered my brain. They had one funny-looking fork, and I called it a threek. I did the placemat maze.
Maria laughed the whole time. She reached across the table and played with my hair while I rested my head. She picked up the check.
Maybe I'd been imagining things. Maybe we were changing our minds.
Maybe I'd at least made a friend.
*****
If we'd been straight with each other from the beginning, it wouldn't have been so bad. But we wanted different things, and we both somehow saw them.
I needed rescuing. You needed a fun time.
For what it's worth, I'm glad you thought I was fun.
I'm sorry that didn't turn out to be true.
I'm sorry you met me just in time for me to fall apart. I swear I used to be fun for real. I swear I didn't always need more than anyone wanted to give.
You liked me for who I was. Past-tense. And that's okay.
*****
When we went from work acquaintances to lovers, it was literally overnight. She took me out for pizza because she thought I was looking kind of unhealthy and wanted to get some food in me. We went back to her apartment to shoot the shit for a while.
I took a shower, and then it just happened.
She cooked me breakfast, and sent me home in some clean clothes her little brother forgot last time he visited.
She made me feel like someone cared.
And I know she did. She does.
We both know she maybe shouldn't have.
*****
Don't worry. You didn't break my fragile little heart or some shit.
You just failed to put together what had fallen apart long before I met you. And that's okay.
No one I met ever could. I thought I'd stopped looking. You came along and started trying.
Until you noticed how many pieces there were. The commitment to the task was too great.
I don't hold it against you. I don't want you kneeling and counting like a vampire.
But, sometimes, I wonder if you hold it against me.
It's okay if you do.
Honestly, that makes two of us.
*****
The best time was in the refrigerated room in the back. The two of us, whole, living, moving things. Surrounded by all those still dead parts, waiting to live again.
I loved how she had me pinned, my bare back pressed to the cold tile floor. My white breath framing her body, my glasses fogging. The way she held me so hard it almost stopped me from shivering.
I didn't need to shiver. She was all the warmth I needed.
The cold sweat and silence when we finished.
Rejoining the world, me hiding my stinging flushed face in my collar.
*****
Maria, I wish you the best. If it has to end here, let there be a beginning waiting for you.
I don't feel like there's much left for me, but I never stop looking. Maybe I'll be okay, too, even if it doesn't look like it from here.
And I guess I am a little sad that I won't know the rest of your story. It's bad enough that I can't know the rest of my own.
I think I can guess that you'll get the better ending. You're so strong.
I've worn myself down to practically nothing.
Whatever.
Godspeed.
*****
But, if you ask me, the best day we ever had was the day we got bored sitting around the condo, and walked to the park a few blocks away.
We goofed around with all kinds of shit. We managed to get the merry-go-round spinning so fast we couldn't tell the trees from the ground from the cars on the street.
And I got so excited that I decided it might be fun to let go of the bars. Of course, my dumb ass went flying off, and we both thought I'd gotten my bell rung.
It was pretty funny.
*****
She's gone. It happens.
And it mostly happens to me. There's something about me people find inherently repulsive. And, with my job, I guess that seems like a given, but it's been going on way longer than that. And fuck, Maria and I pretty much had the same job.
No, it's not anything I do. It's me. I don't know what it is, but it's me. I can find nor fix it. So I've accepted it.
Still, I wish I could wear a sign.
(FUCKED UP; in giant neon letters.)
(So none of us would get our hopes up again.)
*****
The first time I saw her, she was hefting a cooler full of kidneys and rattling a handful of keys. Small. But so sturdy and strong. The kind of woman I want to pull my hair and bruise my skin and twist my spine in her hands.
(In the end, she did two out of three. Enthusiastically and repeatedly.)
For me, it was instant.
But, I never expected her to look back at me the same way.
(What did you see?)
Looking back, the whole thing was inexplicable from first to last. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
*****
They say no one can save you but yourself. I accept that fully.
Thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to save me, either.
What then?
I know enough to know it happens. But they don't talk about it. Don't let you prepare.
When they talk about it at all, they talk about it like a refusal. I'm not refusing. I want to be saved, even if I have to do it myself.
I don't see it happening is all.
And don't get me wrong, I do know where I'm going.
But what might I pass on the way?
*****
I knew it was really over when she assisted with my wrist surgery, and looked at me like a piece of meat when she looked at me at all.
She confirmed it again when I felt like my head was about to explode and called her because I was scared. To our credit, I did get her to come over. She told me that it was just from the spinal block, and it would go away.
The last things she said to me were that, and "goodbye."
Face buried in the pillow, I heard her car pulling away.
Mumbled, "bye."
Story: Corwin and Friends
Supplies and Styles: Graffiti (Lilith Fair Aug 18th Main Stage: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/toriamos/purplepeople.html), Miniature Collection
Characters: Spenser (POV), Maria
Colors: Meme party 26 (I Accidentally), Olympic Gold 3 (gold)
Word Count: 1,200ish
Rating: R?
Warnings: Choose not to warn.
Summary: Spenser mourns a lost love that wasn’t.
Note: I like Maria a lot and want to get a good handle on her so I can maybe write some of her icky organ adventures. :P
The first time I felt like we might not really be on the same page was when Maria told me that, maybe, I shouldn't call her at work. Logically, I understood. We probably weren't really supposed to be doing what we were doing, and she didn't want them to know.
The problem was, rationality wasn't really my strong point right then It was the first time I'd gone out breaking windows. My heart was racing, and my teeth were chattering in the cold, and I needed a familiar voice.
Though, looking back, I really should have explained.
Please look me in the eye. I hate everything about this job but you. You made me feel like a real fucking person, like maybe someone wanted to be around me, wanted to get to know me on my own merits. Like maybe Ihad merits.
I mean, I understand. I'll never talk to you again if you don't talk first. But we still see each other almost every day.
Knowing what I know about the way it always was, I don't want you to take me back. We weren't what we wanted.
Just please confirm that I'm really here.
The first time I thought I might be wrong, we were eating three AM breakfast at that shitty old diner.
I upended the salt shaker and separated the salt from the rice, because that always kind of bothered my brain. They had one funny-looking fork, and I called it a threek. I did the placemat maze.
Maria laughed the whole time. She reached across the table and played with my hair while I rested my head. She picked up the check.
Maybe I'd been imagining things. Maybe we were changing our minds.
Maybe I'd at least made a friend.
If we'd been straight with each other from the beginning, it wouldn't have been so bad. But we wanted different things, and we both somehow saw them.
I needed rescuing. You needed a fun time.
For what it's worth, I'm glad you thought I was fun.
I'm sorry that didn't turn out to be true.
I'm sorry you met me just in time for me to fall apart. I swear I used to be fun for real. I swear I didn't always need more than anyone wanted to give.
You liked me for who I was. Past-tense. And that's okay.
When we went from work acquaintances to lovers, it was literally overnight. She took me out for pizza because she thought I was looking kind of unhealthy and wanted to get some food in me. We went back to her apartment to shoot the shit for a while.
I took a shower, and then it just happened.
She cooked me breakfast, and sent me home in some clean clothes her little brother forgot last time he visited.
She made me feel like someone cared.
And I know she did. She does.
We both know she maybe shouldn't have.
Don't worry. You didn't break my fragile little heart or some shit.
You just failed to put together what had fallen apart long before I met you. And that's okay.
No one I met ever could. I thought I'd stopped looking. You came along and started trying.
Until you noticed how many pieces there were. The commitment to the task was too great.
I don't hold it against you. I don't want you kneeling and counting like a vampire.
But, sometimes, I wonder if you hold it against me.
It's okay if you do.
Honestly, that makes two of us.
The best time was in the refrigerated room in the back. The two of us, whole, living, moving things. Surrounded by all those still dead parts, waiting to live again.
I loved how she had me pinned, my bare back pressed to the cold tile floor. My white breath framing her body, my glasses fogging. The way she held me so hard it almost stopped me from shivering.
I didn't need to shiver. She was all the warmth I needed.
The cold sweat and silence when we finished.
Rejoining the world, me hiding my stinging flushed face in my collar.
Maria, I wish you the best. If it has to end here, let there be a beginning waiting for you.
I don't feel like there's much left for me, but I never stop looking. Maybe I'll be okay, too, even if it doesn't look like it from here.
And I guess I am a little sad that I won't know the rest of your story. It's bad enough that I can't know the rest of my own.
I think I can guess that you'll get the better ending. You're so strong.
I've worn myself down to practically nothing.
Whatever.
Godspeed.
But, if you ask me, the best day we ever had was the day we got bored sitting around the condo, and walked to the park a few blocks away.
We goofed around with all kinds of shit. We managed to get the merry-go-round spinning so fast we couldn't tell the trees from the ground from the cars on the street.
And I got so excited that I decided it might be fun to let go of the bars. Of course, my dumb ass went flying off, and we both thought I'd gotten my bell rung.
It was pretty funny.
She's gone. It happens.
And it mostly happens to me. There's something about me people find inherently repulsive. And, with my job, I guess that seems like a given, but it's been going on way longer than that. And fuck, Maria and I pretty much had the same job.
No, it's not anything I do. It's me. I don't know what it is, but it's me. I can find nor fix it. So I've accepted it.
Still, I wish I could wear a sign.
(FUCKED UP; in giant neon letters.)
(So none of us would get our hopes up again.)
The first time I saw her, she was hefting a cooler full of kidneys and rattling a handful of keys. Small. But so sturdy and strong. The kind of woman I want to pull my hair and bruise my skin and twist my spine in her hands.
(In the end, she did two out of three. Enthusiastically and repeatedly.)
For me, it was instant.
But, I never expected her to look back at me the same way.
(What did you see?)
Looking back, the whole thing was inexplicable from first to last. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
They say no one can save you but yourself. I accept that fully.
Thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to save me, either.
What then?
I know enough to know it happens. But they don't talk about it. Don't let you prepare.
When they talk about it at all, they talk about it like a refusal. I'm not refusing. I want to be saved, even if I have to do it myself.
I don't see it happening is all.
And don't get me wrong, I do know where I'm going.
But what might I pass on the way?
I knew it was really over when she assisted with my wrist surgery, and looked at me like a piece of meat when she looked at me at all.
She confirmed it again when I felt like my head was about to explode and called her because I was scared. To our credit, I did get her to come over. She told me that it was just from the spinal block, and it would go away.
The last things she said to me were that, and "goodbye."
Face buried in the pillow, I heard her car pulling away.
Mumbled, "bye."
no subject
What a great way to show the unravelling though, Maria gradually coming to see Spenser as an object.
no subject
(I would love to hear more about Maria and her organ adventures!)