shipwreck_light: Portrait of Zephyr by DoroDraws. (Zephyr)
Shipwreck Light ([personal profile] shipwreck_light) wrote in [community profile] rainbowfic2013-09-24 08:02 pm

Ember #3

Author: SWL
Story: Jealous of Roses, Arc 2
Index: Click Here.
Colors: Ember #3- Anger
Styles and Materials: Finger Paint
Word Count: 700ish
Summary: Nene on Zephyr
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: References to violence.
Suggested BGM:
The following are always welcome: comments, constructive criticism, collaboration inquiries, cake.

I love you.

And y'know, I never thought I'd get that way about anybody. 'course, since you're the only one, maybe I'm wrong. I'll deal with it.

Feels like we grew up together, I guess. You were just so /there/.

Everything you said seemed kinda familiar.

Everything you did, I sorta expected.

That morning after Duckie boughtcha, sittin' on the couch. Seemed like I'd come to the end of this real long place in my life, 'cept I didn't remember I was headed anywhere in particular.

Even when we'd just started, I'd get these thoughts. Yer what, like ten years younger 'en me? So, when you were four, I'da been fourteen. I'da come back from school to crayon stuff ya did and feedin' you cookies without Mom seein'. Course, you'd crawl inta my bed sometimes, since she- my Mom, anyway -wouldn'ta thought that was cool. I'd tell ya to go, but then I'd rock ya to sleep with my hands on yer little jammies and...

See how vivid this stuff gets? Know you do. You just gotta.

But, I grew up by myself, so it's like- what've I got to go offa if that never happened to me and I've never been in love?

Dunno. But, what else am I s'pposedta say?

So, I love you.

And I don't care if anybody else gets it.

That I wish you were four and I was fourteen and damn, man. I could stop wishin' for things that won't happen. Maybe. If I'da stuck with that...

You almost seemed kinda unreal those first couplea months. Like nothin' hurt you. Ever. Not anything I did, not anything anybody else did.

You were invincible. You were that kid on a TV show who saves all their friends. You were always s'posedta win.

So yeah, maybe that was kinda stupid on my part. Thinkin' we could float all lazy with each other until onea us took one to the head.

Never wanted to hit myself so bad as I did seein' your face after... well, y'know.

Was almost kinda a relief you did it. Like, you felt somethin' b'sides hurt. Even if it meant, y'know, somebody bled. And that somebody was me.

When I finally got it out- Did somebody do somethin' to ya? After that, after ya went down *with* me, you were real too. Insteada this TV kid followin' me around.

It made sense to me. That you weren't even kinda perfect in the end.

I did want to hurt you. It's what I do.

But, not like that.

I've forgiven myself a lotta dumb shit. That night took a real long time.

Wasn't until the bruises started to fade and ya brought over that first bagga weed. Then it was just- because you were OK enough with me. That you could still give up bein' sober and pass out on my bench.

Now, I think. I think that's all I want from you. For makin' me love you. I'll take what we got. Maybe it's better this way? If we grew up together, even if that part's pretend.

You wouldn'ta been totally happy with my mom. I sure as hell wasn't.

But. If I could share her. If I could take ya back and we could at least be a little happier together than you were by yerself.

I'd do it. I don't know what I wouldn't give up /to/ do it.

I'd love you, at least.

I can't tell you.

Not anya this. I couldn't tell anybody. Just not who I am.

But, I'm not gonna define myself by what I can't do. I'm not gonna leave ya hangin'.

Sometimes, when we're high and I can kinda sorta almost get this knot in my chest undone... can get it loose, anyway. I think about it. Alla this stuff. And I catch yer hand when ya gimme the pipe. And I try to make my head stay on you, so that's whatcha get.

Best I can manage. Thinkin' I probably kinda sorta love you in this totally fucked up way that never makes any sense no matter how much I smoke.

It's not like you care there's nothin' but this. You'd tell me if you did.


I've had this on hold for months. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it. Then again, there's probably no way to make this perfect.
isana: (tea)

[personal profile] isana 2013-09-26 12:32 am (UTC)(link)
Maybe it's not as fucked up as it seems, at least not to me. Or I get it, at least--like how it's not quite romantic, but it is love, still.
bookblather: A picture of Yomiko Readman looking at books with the text "bookgasm." (Default)

[personal profile] bookblather 2013-10-09 06:05 am (UTC)(link)


not ok

their friendship and the cuddlies and how Nene just wants to love him and NOT OK