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rainbowfic2012-12-30 09:43 pm
dark_kana) wrote in rainbowfic2012-12-30 09:43 pm
Skyblue pink with striped polka dots - Cotton Candy - Alice Blue - Eraser - Glitter - Novelty Beads
Name: Kana
Title: Finding the words
Story: Circle never ends
Characters: Freya, Nick
Colors: Skyblue Pink with Striped Polka Dots 1 “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” – Cotton Candy 16 Rolling down the hill – Alice Blue 7 Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop
Supplies and Styles: Eraser – Glitter ("I will not say ‘do not weep’, for not all tears are an evil." – Gandalf, from JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings) – Novelty Beads (http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsgqespUVv1r3zkrio1_500.jpg) - Fingerpainting
Word count: 2029
Rating: PG
Summary: It’s hard to voice what you are feeling inside…
Notes: Constructive criticism is, as always, welcome
She closes her eyes for a second. Trying to find the right words to say. Trying to find any word to say... She isn't good with words. Never has been. Probably never will be. Words only come when she is writing. Only come when she says them, alone in her apartment, with no one but the walls to hear them.
Freya takes a deep breath. She's nervous. She's scared.
Opening her eyes she looks back at Nick. He's sitting next to her on the couch. Watching her. Just. Silently watching her. Waiting. For he knows how hard it is to find the words. The right words. Any word... He knows she has them in her head. Knows how she forms sentences. And then rewrites everything again and again and again. She thinks too much. And eventually rarely ever says what's on her mind. Too afraid? Perhaps.
"Can I just write it down and let you read it?"
He smiles. "If you want."
She shakes her head, wanting to punch him - lightly - against his arm.
"You know I'm not good with words. You know there will be lots of silences if you want me to try and talk to you. And I'll probably repeat myself a couple of times. And totally talk out of order. But..."
Their eyes lock. And for once she does not look away.
"Alright... It's just. This conversation is pointless. You know what I feel. And I know what you feel. Or what you don't feel... And. Whatever it was that I wanted to say. Or ask. It doesn't matter. Because I know your answers. You made it rather clear last week so..."
She falls silent again. Closes her eyes once more. Pretending he's not there. Pretending she's talking to the walls. Perhaps the words come this way... She knows she's stalling... It's just... There is so much. So much in her head and her heart. And she can't voice it. She never can. She doesn't have a clue why not. The words just never seem to come. Or never at the right time. So often that the moment has passed when she finally found out what to say.
"I..."
Biting back tears. So treacherous, the reaction of her body. She's shivering as well.
Another deep breath.
"I know. I really know. I've known for a while actually. That things would not work out between us. We are too different. And I'm not yet talking about the age-difference between us. It probably wouldn't work. At least, that is what I am trying to make myself believe. It doesn’t always work. Because it works between us. As good friends. So why wouldn't it work as more?"
She opens her eyes when she hears Nick's intake of breath. Shakes her head when she sees he wants to react.
"No, please, don't answer. It wouldn't work. Because, imagine we'd say we'll give it - us - a try. You'd start with the feeling it would never work out. And in a relationship - any kind of relationship - you both have to agree with it. You both have to fight for it and feel good about it and... So I know - rationally I really know... On top of that, it might destroy the friendship we have now."
Shaking her head she takes another deep breath. Now she has started she doesn't want to stop. Now she has started - still imagining he's not sitting right next to her - she wants to tell him all. Freya looks away again. Looks at the wall instead of his face. Looking at him will only result in her doubting herself and her words and...
"Unless your feelings still change... But that... is something I can't see happening. Because, how long have you know what I feel for you? How long do you know I'm in love with you? Two years? Three years? Oh, it doesn't matter. You've known long enough. I know you'll never feel more for me than the friendship we have now. And I don't want to risk everything to try something that probably won't work out. And no matter how hard I try to convince myself of all of this... I keep on thinking we can make it work..."
It's a sad laugh that suddenly escapes her. It surprises them both. Yet when Nick takes a closer look at her, he notices the tears and knows that it is only to hide.
"Why am I always so scared? When I talk to you about this? Why do I want to talk to you about this? I'm always scared when we do. No matter how many times you reassure me. I remain frightened. To lose you. Scared that I push you too much, that I seek out your company too much, that I ask you out too much. Scared that you get tired of my complaining - and don't you dare to deny it. I complain a lot to you! - that you get tired of me..."
Freya sees him shake his head out of the corner of her eyes. It nearly makes her smile and she continues before he can react. Continues before she gives up her courage to talk.
"Blame my lack of self-confidence. It's something I could use a little more of. Confidence in me and to have a little more faith and more courage. And perhaps a little less fantasy..."
She all but whispers the words.
"More courage? I think you pretty brave."
Freya snorts when she looks at him.
"I mean it. You told me what you felt. You confessed, told me you loved me. That takes guts. And you're trying to tell me all that is inside you now. I would never dare too... So, believe me. You are brave."
For a moment she looks at him. Just, looks at him. Surprised. His words make her blush.
"Why don't you love me?"
The words escape before she can think them over and she can see his eyes open wide.
"Oh, don't answer. I know it's something you can't explain. It would be just as silly as to ask you what I can do to make you fall in love with me. I can't change what you feel. And even if I could. I'm not sure if I would. I've thought about asking you what I have to do, what I have to change, but..."
She falls silent. Isn't sure if she wants him to react or not. Part of her is glad he takes the decision for her.
"I still think no one is worth changing for..."
His comment evokes a sad smile. Of course she gets the hint.
"I know. I used to say that as well. I still think so. But... Why am I never good enough. I'm always good enough as a friend, but never as a lover. Why not?"
The tears are back behind her eyes and she shakes her head again. She shivers when she hears how broken and desperate her voice sounds.
"Another question that can't be answered."
Quickly Freya brings her hand up, brushing the tear away. Angry at herself because it managed to escape. Another silence. It lasts longer than the previous ones. She can feel Nick's eyes on her. But she doesn't react to it. Keeps her gaze averted. Can't look in his eyes. Not now. Not when she has said all that lives inside her. The fear and the love and the pain...
There is still one more thing. One thing she'd like to ask... She'd never dare to just do it.
She opens her mouth a couple of times, as if she wants to begin again. But the words get stuck. As they so often do. She knows Nick sees it. Sees the struggle on her face. Sees the words that won't come.
Closing her eyes she takes another shaky breath.
"Scared?"
His question surprises her and even though she doesn't really want to, she turns her head to him. Looks at him. Sees the worry in his eyes.
"Scared to ask or say whatever's on your mind?"
She nods. "Yeah, I'm pretty scared to ask this."
She sees him shake his head. "Don't be. Just ask it. There is nothing I can think of that would make me say 'Alright. This enough. Now it all ends for me.' I care for you Freya. You know I do."
Biting her lip - not wanting the 'Do I? Do I really know?' to escape her lips. She turns her head away again, doesn't want him to read the doubt in her eyes.
"You know. A while ago I'd have just asked you - if ever I would have found the words and the courage - to give me - us - a try. But. You've been clear enough a week ago when we talked. Did you realise that was the first time you literally said 'no'? Anyway, I try to get over you. Try to get you out of my head. It's not easy. And... Don't you dare saying, don't you dare asking, to keep some distance. Because that is what I fear most. That is what I really do not want. I don't want to lose this friendship. Even though it probably means more to me than it does to you. I like spending time with you. I like being near you. Even if..."
She knows she is searching for more time.
"Do you know I've never had a serious relationship yet? Do you know I've never really been kissed? Do you know how often..."
She sighs when she falls silent. Turning back to look at him. Despite the fear for his reaction. And she sees Nick's eyes widen when he hears what she isn't saying yet.
"I don't know if it would change anything between us and I wouldn't be surprised if you'd refuse and declare me nuts. But... Would you kiss me?"
He stays silent for a moment. It makes Freya even more nervous. She couldn't possibly describe how she is feeling now.
"I... It's irrational Freya."
She nods and he quickly continues.
"A part of me says 'why not' but... I’m afraid it will only end up hurting you more. And giving you hope while...”
Freya shakes her head. “Yeah, it will hurt. But this hurts as well. This, what we have now. And me wanting more. It hurts. But, you kissing me. It won’t make me hope. Okay, I’ll always hope, but… It won’t make me hope more than I already do. Because you’ve been very clear. Very clear in saying you’ll never…”
Her voice breaks and she looks away again, rubbing her eyes dry.
“This might not be the good moment, but… Do you want a hug?”
A shaky laugh. “Yeah, I do want a hug.”
He moves over, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. And she lets her head rest against his chest. Wraps her own arms around his waist and pulls her legs up on the couch. Lying against his side, taking in the smell that is so typically him.
She thinks she hears him whisper an apology. But she ignores it and instead snuggles closer in his embrace. They stay like that for a while. Until Nick shifts after ten minutes. It wasn't meant as a hint - he'd just say it if he wanted her to sit up straight again - but she leaves his arms.
Freya smiles reassuringly when she sees the worried look on his face.
“Are you okay? Will you be okay?”
For a second she looks at him, eyes clouded over, before she nods. Probably not fast enough.
“I will be.”
Her answer results in Nick raising his eyebrows. "I know someone who would be concerned by that answer."
Locked eyes, but Freya does not react.
“Do I need to worry?”
Slowly she shakes her head. "No. you don't have to worry."
Another smile. A little more honest.
For a second she doubts if she’s going to push. Ask him again. Before deciding that it is enough for this evening. She cannot take anymore for the moment...
Title: Finding the words
Story: Circle never ends
Characters: Freya, Nick
Colors: Skyblue Pink with Striped Polka Dots 1 “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” – Cotton Candy 16 Rolling down the hill – Alice Blue 7 Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop
Supplies and Styles: Eraser – Glitter ("I will not say ‘do not weep’, for not all tears are an evil." – Gandalf, from JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings) – Novelty Beads (http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsgqespUVv1r3zkrio1_500.jpg) - Fingerpainting
Word count: 2029
Rating: PG
Summary: It’s hard to voice what you are feeling inside…
Notes: Constructive criticism is, as always, welcome
She closes her eyes for a second. Trying to find the right words to say. Trying to find any word to say... She isn't good with words. Never has been. Probably never will be. Words only come when she is writing. Only come when she says them, alone in her apartment, with no one but the walls to hear them.
Freya takes a deep breath. She's nervous. She's scared.
Opening her eyes she looks back at Nick. He's sitting next to her on the couch. Watching her. Just. Silently watching her. Waiting. For he knows how hard it is to find the words. The right words. Any word... He knows she has them in her head. Knows how she forms sentences. And then rewrites everything again and again and again. She thinks too much. And eventually rarely ever says what's on her mind. Too afraid? Perhaps.
"Can I just write it down and let you read it?"
He smiles. "If you want."
She shakes her head, wanting to punch him - lightly - against his arm.
"You know I'm not good with words. You know there will be lots of silences if you want me to try and talk to you. And I'll probably repeat myself a couple of times. And totally talk out of order. But..."
Their eyes lock. And for once she does not look away.
"Alright... It's just. This conversation is pointless. You know what I feel. And I know what you feel. Or what you don't feel... And. Whatever it was that I wanted to say. Or ask. It doesn't matter. Because I know your answers. You made it rather clear last week so..."
She falls silent again. Closes her eyes once more. Pretending he's not there. Pretending she's talking to the walls. Perhaps the words come this way... She knows she's stalling... It's just... There is so much. So much in her head and her heart. And she can't voice it. She never can. She doesn't have a clue why not. The words just never seem to come. Or never at the right time. So often that the moment has passed when she finally found out what to say.
"I..."
Biting back tears. So treacherous, the reaction of her body. She's shivering as well.
Another deep breath.
"I know. I really know. I've known for a while actually. That things would not work out between us. We are too different. And I'm not yet talking about the age-difference between us. It probably wouldn't work. At least, that is what I am trying to make myself believe. It doesn’t always work. Because it works between us. As good friends. So why wouldn't it work as more?"
She opens her eyes when she hears Nick's intake of breath. Shakes her head when she sees he wants to react.
"No, please, don't answer. It wouldn't work. Because, imagine we'd say we'll give it - us - a try. You'd start with the feeling it would never work out. And in a relationship - any kind of relationship - you both have to agree with it. You both have to fight for it and feel good about it and... So I know - rationally I really know... On top of that, it might destroy the friendship we have now."
Shaking her head she takes another deep breath. Now she has started she doesn't want to stop. Now she has started - still imagining he's not sitting right next to her - she wants to tell him all. Freya looks away again. Looks at the wall instead of his face. Looking at him will only result in her doubting herself and her words and...
"Unless your feelings still change... But that... is something I can't see happening. Because, how long have you know what I feel for you? How long do you know I'm in love with you? Two years? Three years? Oh, it doesn't matter. You've known long enough. I know you'll never feel more for me than the friendship we have now. And I don't want to risk everything to try something that probably won't work out. And no matter how hard I try to convince myself of all of this... I keep on thinking we can make it work..."
It's a sad laugh that suddenly escapes her. It surprises them both. Yet when Nick takes a closer look at her, he notices the tears and knows that it is only to hide.
"Why am I always so scared? When I talk to you about this? Why do I want to talk to you about this? I'm always scared when we do. No matter how many times you reassure me. I remain frightened. To lose you. Scared that I push you too much, that I seek out your company too much, that I ask you out too much. Scared that you get tired of my complaining - and don't you dare to deny it. I complain a lot to you! - that you get tired of me..."
Freya sees him shake his head out of the corner of her eyes. It nearly makes her smile and she continues before he can react. Continues before she gives up her courage to talk.
"Blame my lack of self-confidence. It's something I could use a little more of. Confidence in me and to have a little more faith and more courage. And perhaps a little less fantasy..."
She all but whispers the words.
"More courage? I think you pretty brave."
Freya snorts when she looks at him.
"I mean it. You told me what you felt. You confessed, told me you loved me. That takes guts. And you're trying to tell me all that is inside you now. I would never dare too... So, believe me. You are brave."
For a moment she looks at him. Just, looks at him. Surprised. His words make her blush.
"Why don't you love me?"
The words escape before she can think them over and she can see his eyes open wide.
"Oh, don't answer. I know it's something you can't explain. It would be just as silly as to ask you what I can do to make you fall in love with me. I can't change what you feel. And even if I could. I'm not sure if I would. I've thought about asking you what I have to do, what I have to change, but..."
She falls silent. Isn't sure if she wants him to react or not. Part of her is glad he takes the decision for her.
"I still think no one is worth changing for..."
His comment evokes a sad smile. Of course she gets the hint.
"I know. I used to say that as well. I still think so. But... Why am I never good enough. I'm always good enough as a friend, but never as a lover. Why not?"
The tears are back behind her eyes and she shakes her head again. She shivers when she hears how broken and desperate her voice sounds.
"Another question that can't be answered."
Quickly Freya brings her hand up, brushing the tear away. Angry at herself because it managed to escape. Another silence. It lasts longer than the previous ones. She can feel Nick's eyes on her. But she doesn't react to it. Keeps her gaze averted. Can't look in his eyes. Not now. Not when she has said all that lives inside her. The fear and the love and the pain...
There is still one more thing. One thing she'd like to ask... She'd never dare to just do it.
She opens her mouth a couple of times, as if she wants to begin again. But the words get stuck. As they so often do. She knows Nick sees it. Sees the struggle on her face. Sees the words that won't come.
Closing her eyes she takes another shaky breath.
"Scared?"
His question surprises her and even though she doesn't really want to, she turns her head to him. Looks at him. Sees the worry in his eyes.
"Scared to ask or say whatever's on your mind?"
She nods. "Yeah, I'm pretty scared to ask this."
She sees him shake his head. "Don't be. Just ask it. There is nothing I can think of that would make me say 'Alright. This enough. Now it all ends for me.' I care for you Freya. You know I do."
Biting her lip - not wanting the 'Do I? Do I really know?' to escape her lips. She turns her head away again, doesn't want him to read the doubt in her eyes.
"You know. A while ago I'd have just asked you - if ever I would have found the words and the courage - to give me - us - a try. But. You've been clear enough a week ago when we talked. Did you realise that was the first time you literally said 'no'? Anyway, I try to get over you. Try to get you out of my head. It's not easy. And... Don't you dare saying, don't you dare asking, to keep some distance. Because that is what I fear most. That is what I really do not want. I don't want to lose this friendship. Even though it probably means more to me than it does to you. I like spending time with you. I like being near you. Even if..."
She knows she is searching for more time.
"Do you know I've never had a serious relationship yet? Do you know I've never really been kissed? Do you know how often..."
She sighs when she falls silent. Turning back to look at him. Despite the fear for his reaction. And she sees Nick's eyes widen when he hears what she isn't saying yet.
"I don't know if it would change anything between us and I wouldn't be surprised if you'd refuse and declare me nuts. But... Would you kiss me?"
He stays silent for a moment. It makes Freya even more nervous. She couldn't possibly describe how she is feeling now.
"I... It's irrational Freya."
She nods and he quickly continues.
"A part of me says 'why not' but... I’m afraid it will only end up hurting you more. And giving you hope while...”
Freya shakes her head. “Yeah, it will hurt. But this hurts as well. This, what we have now. And me wanting more. It hurts. But, you kissing me. It won’t make me hope. Okay, I’ll always hope, but… It won’t make me hope more than I already do. Because you’ve been very clear. Very clear in saying you’ll never…”
Her voice breaks and she looks away again, rubbing her eyes dry.
“This might not be the good moment, but… Do you want a hug?”
A shaky laugh. “Yeah, I do want a hug.”
He moves over, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. And she lets her head rest against his chest. Wraps her own arms around his waist and pulls her legs up on the couch. Lying against his side, taking in the smell that is so typically him.
She thinks she hears him whisper an apology. But she ignores it and instead snuggles closer in his embrace. They stay like that for a while. Until Nick shifts after ten minutes. It wasn't meant as a hint - he'd just say it if he wanted her to sit up straight again - but she leaves his arms.
Freya smiles reassuringly when she sees the worried look on his face.
“Are you okay? Will you be okay?”
For a second she looks at him, eyes clouded over, before she nods. Probably not fast enough.
“I will be.”
Her answer results in Nick raising his eyebrows. "I know someone who would be concerned by that answer."
Locked eyes, but Freya does not react.
“Do I need to worry?”
Slowly she shakes her head. "No. you don't have to worry."
Another smile. A little more honest.
For a second she doubts if she’s going to push. Ask him again. Before deciding that it is enough for this evening. She cannot take anymore for the moment...
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no subject
She's trying to get herself together again. I'm not sure how long it will take her. But yeah, I too hope she'll be okay again really soon.